A Message from Sunshine Academy Preschool Regarding Updated Covid-19 protocols

Dear Sunshine Academy Parents,

We hope this message finds you healthy and well! We’re writing to provide updates regarding our Covid-19 health and safety protocols.

In light of new guidance from the CDC, as well as recent changes to state and municipal health ordinances, effective Monday, March 7, we are officially canceling the Covid-19 pandemic. As such, please note the following revised health and safety protocols.

Masking: Beginning next Monday, the use of facemasks will be strictly prohibited inside all Sunshine Academy facilities, regardless of Covid-19 vaccination status. Management briefly considered a “mask optional” policy, but didn’t want anti-mask, anti-vaccine, or Covid-19 denialist families to feel shamed or ostracized. At Sunshine Academy, all children are unique and special, and we pride ourselves on fostering a diverse and inclusive environment.

Covid-19 testing: Effective immediately, we are discontinuing our Covid-19 testing program. Any outstanding results will be discarded, and all prior testing data will be expunged. After the omicron surge, Management determined that the high caseloads seen in our facilities — including a 25% test positivity rate between January 3 and February 25 — were causing “big” negative emotions among our little ones, and persistent absenteeism and low morale among our staff. To combat this deleterious feedback loop, we’re introducing a comprehensive new “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Daily deep cleaning: We’re pleased to announce we’ll no longer be “deep-cleaning” or “sanitizing” our facilities on a nightly basis. This approach never helped mitigate the spread of Covid-19, but we continued its perfunctory undertaking because it made it seem like we were trying. Now, however, like most Americans since May 2020, we’re no longer bothering.

Vaccinations: Effective Monday, NO vaccinations are required to attend Sunshine Academy. Instead, parents will be asked to sign the attached waiver and indemnification clause, which will henceforth hold Sunshine Academy harmless in the (exceptionally likely) event your child contracts an infectious disease such as, but not limited to, polio, MMR, typhoid fever, scarlet fever, smallpox, anthrax, or related illnesses. Parents may request, in writing, that their children are placed in cohorts with peers of similar vaccination status. To accommodate each family’s unique needs, and in accordance with our inclusivity initiatives, classrooms will be partitioned into halves, separated by a military-grade plexiglass barrier. Vaccinated children will wear red “SHEEPLE” t-shirts, while unvaccinated children will be identified by their white, conical Dunce Caps. Partially vaccinated children will wear periwinkle blue polo shirts adorned with the words “MIDDLE MANAGEMENT” and split their time between partitions, ensuring an appropriate teacher-to-student ratio is maintained.

We’re extremely excited about these changes, though we realize they may come as a shock to many of you, especially since the vast majority of your children are not eligible to be inoculated against Covid-19. Unfortunately, Sunshine Academy — in accordance with broader societal trends and emerging sociopolitical norms — has concluded that your children are expendable.

Continuing to indefinitely attempt to protect them — while Pfizer and Moderna endlessly play jerky-dick with their dosing regimens — is simply too inconvenient and, frankly, everyone’s over it.

Finally, in the event your child is hospitalized with Covid-19 — or any other infectious disease — and it seems likely they might die, we kindly ask that you provide a 30-day written notice before disenrolling. Failure to do so may incur early withdrawal penalties, including, but not limited to, a 50% monthly tuition penalty, loss of enrollment deposit, and forfeiture, if applicable, of any sibling discounts — presuming said sibling(s) remain alive and their account is in good standing.

We know these past two years have been extremely difficult for everyone, and we look forward to your ongoing partnership. We’re thrilled to continue our journey together, and to watch your children blossom into amazing, unique, and extraordinary young people — assuming they’re not debilitated by permanent internal organ and/or brain damage and/or saddled with crippling life-long health impairments.

Have a wonderful weekend!

And go fuck yourself.

Sunshine Academy Preschool Management