America Unites Against the CTU

Chicago, Ill. (AP) — In what’s bound to upend conventional thinking across the political spectrum, a poll conducted by research firm Gallup has found that 100% of Americans “detest,” “loathe,” or “despise” the Chicago Teachers Union. Social scientists across the nation said the shocking result is the first observed instance of political and ideological unity in the twenty-first century.

The nationwide survey collected responses from over 9,500 adults across all fifty U.S. states, with the aim of gauging opinions among likely voters regarding the CTU’s snap decision not to report to schools on January 5. The CTU contends that, in light of the still smoldering COVID-19 pandemic, in-person learning is unsafe.

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot and Chicago Public Schools President Pedro Martinez vehemently disagree, arguing that mitigation tactics such as vaccinations, booster shots, mask mandates, and hygiene theater have made schools among the safest places for children during the pandemic.

As of press time, the impasse had stretched into its third consecutive day. The CTU insists teachers won’t return to schools until its as yet unspecified and perpetually changing conditions are met.

The bombshell survey findings indicate widespread discontent with the CTU, with 100% of participants saying they have an “unconscionably” or “unfathomably” negative view of the union. Statements such as “The CTU prioritizes students first” and “CTU leadership is responsible and competent” were also met with universal rebuke.

Chase Hardwick, the Koch Industries and Tractor Supply Joint Endowed Research Chair for the Center for Labor Politics and Political Economy at the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business, said the survey’s findings are unprecedented.

“It’s truly shocking. Nowadays, people can’t even agree on how many minutes are in an hour, but here you’re seeing unanimous and overwhelming hostility toward the CTU,” Hardwick said, whose three children attend private school.

“Typically, you only see this kind of universal agreement on third-rail issues, like branded pharmaceutical prices. And even then, there’s always a not insignificant contingent of neoliberalist cucks — both Democrat and Republican — who believe premium pricing and a market-based healthcare system are required for innovation,” he added.

Interviews with Chicagoans from across the political divide corroborated the Gallup poll’s findings.

Amiiee Reupersburg, 26, a registered Democrat residing in Roscoe Village, said the CTU is painting progressives in a negative light.

“I consider myself extremely progressive — I support Medicare for All, the Green New Deal, and a billionaire’s tax — but I think the CTU is completely, totally toxic. Like, at some point we need to just get back to normal, for the sake of everyone’s mental health — especially the kids! I don’t want to be extreme, but maybe it’s time to, like, start a #CancelCTU hashtag or something,” she said.

On the far opposite end of the continuum, John Duff, a self-proclaimed “MAGA Patriot,” agreed that the CTU’s “antics” are hurting the progressive movement. Mr. Duff, who’s awaiting sentencing for unspecified crimes committed during last year’s terrorist siege of the U.S. Capitol, questioned the origins and severity of the pandemic.

“I’ve had COVID three times and I’m totally fine,” said Mr. Duff, who has permanently lost his ability to taste or smell. “The death rate is literally [0.05%] percent, which is way lower than the flu. Instead of all this constant panic — face condoms and lockdown camps and microchip mandates — somebody should be investigating the pharmaceutical industry. They created this pandemic, and they’re prolonging it to enrich their globalist investors. Like George Soros.”

Even centrists have turned against the CTU.

“As an independent voter, I consider myself a critical thinker first and foremost,” Ravenswood resident Adam Sewell, 32, said.

“We’ve reached endemicity, so there’s no way to prevent yourself from getting infected. Closing the schools at this point in the pandemic makes no sense and just ends up hurting everyone. Kids, obviously. Parents, who have to stay home and can’t work, or have to scramble [for childcare] at the last minute. And most importantly, small businesses, which see reduced worker productivity and dissatisfied customers,” he argued.

“Nothing we’ve done during this entire pandemic has worked anyway, so I think it’s time for a radical rethink,” Mr. Sewell added, unprompted. “In my opinion, we need to go cold turkey on COVID testing. No testing equals no cases. Problem solved.”

Lakeview resident Kelsey Pike, 28, a registered Democrat and Pete Buttigieg super-fan, said the CTU is viewed so unfavorably, they’ve managed to make Mayor Lightfoot — whose child also attends private school — seem sympathetic.

“[Lightfoot]’s been a complete joke from day one. She was supposed to be this disruptive outsider who was ready to shake things up. In reality, everyone hates her, so she can’t get anything done,” Ms. Pike explained.

“And yet, the CTU is so radioactive, everyone’s like, ‘Go Lori! Bust the union!’ Only the Bears — with their craven threats to move to Arlington Heights — of all places! — have been dunked on harder by her,” she added.

While the CTU and CPS continue to wage political warfare, experts say neither side is considering the long-term emotional and psychological harm done to the over 340,000 children enrolled in the district.

Lane Tech junior Paisley Bryant, 17, said the CTU’s repeated intransigence has effectively ruined her high school experience.

“School is pretty lame, and most of my teachers are dorks, but these were, like, supposed to be like four of the best years of my life, or something, and they definitely aren’t,” she said.

Ms. Bryant also said the pandemic, and the constant disruptions it’s caused — many of which she blames on the CTU — have led her to question her deepest fundamental beliefs about society.

“It makes me wonder if, like, maybe government isn’t really the answer,” she said, adding that during this latest closure she finally started reading the copy of Atlas Shrugged she received from her father as a twelfth birthday present.

Across the less affluent portions of the city, community leaders stressed that school closures mean many kids — the vast majority of which are students of color — aren’t able to meet their basic human needs.

Lendale Watkins, 44, a registered Democrat and community organizer in Woodlawn, said tens of thousands of children rely on CPS for meals and safe haven.

“The CTU needs to quit playing politics and wake the hell up. A secure environment, with a responsible caregiver, and a hot meal — that’s what’s at stake for our most vulnerable youth,” Watkins said.

“I wish that wasn’t the case. But America is a failed state. And Chicago is the great American city. It is what it is.”