Aspirational Horoscopes for Twenty-Twenty-Three
Aries: March 21 to April 19
You never cease to amaze. You walk your own path. Live by your own rules. Occupy your own reality.
This world doesn’t deserve you. Mars is flat. Shoot for the stars.
Aspirational figure: Kyrie Irving, born March 23, 1992
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 66.6%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Taurus: April 20 to May 20
You’ve spun the machinery of oppression into personal and political gain. Capitalize on your good fortune. Help others Rise, Roar, and Revolt.
Aspirational figure: Rishi Sunak, born May 12, 1980
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 1.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Gemini: May 21 to June 20
You’ve jobbed your way to the highest levels of your profession. You’ve amassed power but not respect. Fame without adoration. Even your supporters despise you.
You’ll die irrelevant.
Aspirational figure: Marco Rubio, born May 28, 1971
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 9.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Cancer: June 21 to July 22
Move fast and break things. Ask for forgiveness rather than permission. Shoot first and ask questions later. Those smoke screens worked wonders, but the bloom’s off the rose.
Only the weak-minded think you’re a genius. Everyone hates you.
Aspirational figure: Elon Musk, born June 28, 1971
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 69.420%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Leo: July 23 to August 22
You literally had it all — and blew it. Your ego is insatiable. Your thirst unquenchable. The best years of your life reside in the rearview mirror.
Only death and obscurity remain.
Aspirational figure: Tom Brady, born August 3, 1977
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 100.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Virgo: August 23 to September 22
You’ve seized the throne. Dispatched your enemies. Cowed the masses. Consolidated power. Fear, intimidation, and extraordinary wealth assure prestige, mega-yachts, and orgies.
Love must be earned.
Aspirational figure: Mohammed bin Salman, born August 31, 1985
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 33.3%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Libra: September 23 to October 22
You’ve got all the tools, but fear, uncertainty, and tactical missteps have held you back. Don’t let established forces overlook you any longer. Don’t settle. Your time in the spotlight beckons.
Aspirational figure: Kamala Harris, born October 20, 1964
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 4.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Scorpio: October 23 to November 21
You’ve reached the zenith. Walloped the worrywarts. Silenced the skeptics. Cemented your legacy.
Walk away on top. Become legendary.
Aspirational figure: Joe Biden, born November 20, 1942
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 0.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21
Projection. Deflection. Denigration. These are defense mechanisms. You spew hate because you hate yourself.
It’s a lucrative business model.
Aspirational figure: Ann Coulter, born December 8, 1961
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 0.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Capricorn: December 22 to January 19
You’ve inherited a decidedly broken, likely unfixable mess. Don’t let the enormity of the challenge dissuade you. Terminate the naysayers — with extreme prejudice.
Aspirational figure: Greta Thunberg, born January 3, 2003
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 8.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Aquarius: January 20 to February 18
Your life’s work suffered some minor setbacks, but you’ve got a decade of minimum security confinement to focus on the future. Nothing can derail your vision.
Aspirational figure: Elizabeth Holmes, born February 3, 1984
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 100.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
Pisces: February 19 to March 20
Don’t let trivialities like reality and sanity bog you down. Naysaying and skepticism are the national pastimes of fearful, close-minded traditionalists.
You’re a futurist. A utopian thinker. Ignore the consequences and forge ahead. Moscow is calling. Extradition will be difficult.
Aspirational figure: Sam Bankman-Fried, born March 6, 1992
Chances you’ll:
Win the lottery: 0.0%
Contract an STD: 100.0%
Catch the Omega variant: 100.0%
