Asymmetric Warfare

Date: April 20, 2029

Location: Pensacola, Florida

Belligerents: Pensacola Patriots vs. U.S. Navy

Result: Victory, U.S. Navy

Casualties and materiel losses:

Pensacola Patriots: 872 insurgents killed, 3,891 AR-15s and semi-automatic weapons seized, 4 pontoon boats and 1 luxury yacht sunk

U.S. Navy: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. government statement: “The onset of civil conflict marks a sad and tragic day for all Americans,” said Barack Obama, former U.S. President and Acting Secretary of War. “Sad and tragic — and also hilarious.”

Date: May 20, 2029

Location: Battle Creek, Michigan

Belligerents: Wolverine Watchmen vs. U.S. Army

Result: Victory, U.S. Army

Casualties and materiel losses:

Wolverine Watchmen: 1,117 traitors liberated, 2,997 AR-15s and semi-automatic weapons confiscated, 3 tanks recycled

U.S. Army: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. government statement: “God, that was better than sex,” U.S. President Gretchen Whitmer said.

Date: May 24, 2029

Location: West Odessa, Texas

Belligerents: Permian Albino Panthers vs. U.S. Air Force

Result: Victory, U.S. Air Force

Casualties and materiel losses:

Permian Albino Panthers: 16,666 chauvinists seared, 39,542 AR-15s and semi-automatic weapons incinerated, 5 tanks and 47 armored vehicles smelted, 2 football fields razed

U.S. Air Force: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. government statement: “Real-time satellite surveillance, smartphone GPS tracking, and on-site facial recognition technology confirmed the insurgents had isolated themselves west of Odessa’s commercial and civilian corridor,” said Ted Cruz, Princeton University President and Special Military Advisor to the Pentagon. “Deploying a tactical nuclear weapon was an unorthodox approach, but it kept our brave servicemen and servicewomen out of harm’s way.”

Date: June 14, 2029

Location: Quincy, Massachusetts

Belligerents: Beantown Bullies vs. U.S. Marines

Result: Victory, U.S. Marines

Casualties and materiel losses:

Beantown Bullies: 3,890 Massholes murdered, 13,278 baseball bats burned

U.S. Marines: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. government statement: “Man, fuck the Red Sox,” said Hakeem Jeffries, U.S. Vice President.

Date: July 4, 2029

Location: Chandler, Arizona

Belligerents: Phoenix Philistines vs. U.S. Allied Forces

Result: Victory, U.S. Allied Forces

Casualties and materiel losses:

Phoenix Philistines: 17,987 martyrs martyred, 1 cause lost

U.S. Allied Forces: 1 casualty (a Blackwater contractor twisted his ankle while digging a mass grave), 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. government statement: “The hard work of American democracy continues,” U.S. President Gretchen Whitmer said. “These impotent cowards and gutless deserters will never derail progress, which is why today I’m excited to announce PROJECT LIBERTY. The soon-to-be-uninhabitable state of Arizona will be transformed into a government-sanctioned concentration camp for conspiracy theorists, critical thinkers, anti-miscegenation advocates, and traitors masquerading as patriots.”

Department of the Interior Secretary Dylan Mulvaney added: “Our one-trillion-dollar investment will include erecting hundreds of miles of eighty-foot concrete walls as well as establishing a solar-powered high-speed rail network. We’ll provide dignified jobs to proud, hardworking Americans while modernizing our national infrastructure.”

“Derivative? Sure,” said Kurt Russell, Special Liaison to the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers. “But the best ideas are timeless.”

Be Defenseless Against Evil

Following a recent hard-hitting post, a sad, pathetic doofus suggested his shed full of knock-off Viagra and AR-15s would protect him if and when the leftists in the U.S. government turn totalitarian.

I can’t emphasize enough how painfully fucking stupid that is.

If the state goes fascist, any- and everyone it identifies as an enemy is hosed. Full stop. End of story. That’s why it’s a goddamned privilege to live in a goddamned democracy, however flawed.

So, the next time you’re trapped talking to a mouth-breather about the inviolability of the Second Amendment, make sure to ask him how his well-regulated militia plans to defend itself against loitering munitions, predator drones, Blackhawk helicopters, and F-23 fighter jets.

Also, remind him that he and his depressed pals are much more likely to use their weapons on themselves, on their family members, or on innocent civilians, than to successfully repel the most advanced military in history.