Clash of the Titans
“Dad, less pway!”
“Sure, Bud, what do you want to play?”
“Less battle!”
“Battle?! Then let the Clash of the Titans commence! Choose your competitors wisely...”
“I be Tass-mastah, you be Spiduh-man!”
“Intriguing match-up! CRASH! POW! BONK! You’ll never get away with your nefarious plans, Taskmaster!”
“SHHEEWW!”
“You know, you don’t have do to this, Taskie. There are much saner ways to make a living.”
“BONK! CRAWSH!”
“You know, Taskie, I’m tired. All I ever wanted was to be a student and a scientist. Great power and great responsibility kind of suck to be honest. So, you know what? Eff this. Mary Jane and I are moving to Switzerland. Waste your time fighting somebody else.”
“Where Spiduh-man go?”
“He got tired of all this violence, which is never the answer.”
“Okay…you be Cappan Merica!”
“I see you still haven’t learned your lesson, huh, Tony?”
“SHHEEW! CRAWSH!”
“Picked up a few new tricks though. Do I detect a little Shang-Chi in your repertoire? Impressive. Let’s take this back to Brooklyn then, Depression Era-style. SMASH! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! POW!”
“You nevah defeat me!”
“Actually, Bud, I just did. In the fifth issue of Ta-Nehisi Coates’ Captain America run he laid out the definitive booking of this battle. Tony Masters might be a highly skilled photo-mimetic, but Steve Rodgers took the fight into the gutter and Taskie couldn’t hang. Captain America wins this round, Dude.”
“Okay…I be Wolvuhrine!”
“Main event time already?! SMACK! THWACK! POW!”
“BONK! BONK! BONK!”
“DODGE! PARRY! SMACK!”
“SHINK!”
“Damn you, Logan…guess I should’ve been Captain Canada instead…Alright, Bud, Cap’s injured and needs to recover. Who’s next?”
“You be…PHTHANOS!”
“AHAHAHA! Pitiful rodent! You’re no match for the MAD TITAN! WHOOMPH! SMACK! CRUNCH! POW!"
"SHINK!”
“CRUNCH!”
“SHINK!”
“CRUNCH! CRUNCH! Suplex! F-5! Alright, Bud, I’d say this round goes to Thanos. Wolverine’s indestructible though — he’ll be fine.”
“Okay…I be…BANE!”
“Oh my — this is the Marvel/D.C. crossover I never knew I needed!”
“BANE!!!!!!!!”
“POW! SMACK! AAAH! SMUSH! No. No! NOOOOO!!! CRUNCH!!! In a surprise upset, Bane delivers his legendary backbreaker to the Mad Titan. Oh the humanity! Bane wins!”
“You be…Bwack Panfah!”
“Bane, listen to me. We are not enemies. Our people are victims. Of Western colonialism and imperialism. Join me, and together we can defeat the true forces of evil.”
“Okay…I be BANE and Bwack Panfah. You be…Batman! And Batman’s brutha!”
“We meet again at last, Bane. But this time, I cloned myself! Battelgänger — attack!”
“CRAWSH! SHEW! THWACK!”
“WHOOP! SHOOP! CRACK! SMACK!”
“BLOOP! BAP-BAP-BAP!”
“What’s that you’ve got there? Vibranium claws? Nice toy. But it’s no match for the power of the largest defense contract in the history of the U.S. government. I’ve got a dozen predator drones flying overhead — armed with black market Vibranium-based artillery I might add — and a tactical nuke at the ready for good measure. Stand. Down.”
“Nevah! BAP-BAP-BONK! BONK! BOOOONNNNKKK!”
“You’ve fought valiantly. Prince T’Challa, you’ve lived up to your sterling reputation. Bane, it’s time for you to accept that your nihilistic, anarchic tendencies have gotten you nowhere. Your gimmick is played out. Market-based economies and Western-style democracies rule the world for a reason. You need to accept that. Bane, please. Don’t make me do this…”
“BAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!”
“Light ‘em up. RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT! Alright, Dude, Bane and Black Panther are off the board. Who’s next? Who can defeat Batman and the Battelgänger?”
“VENOM!”
“Fascinating choice. Is this Venom before or after that bonkers Knull run by Donny Cates?”
“Venom iz Null!”
“Well then, this isn’t a handicap match after all! SHOOH! THWIP! THWACK!”
“SLEAWW! I EAT YOU!”
“AAAAAAAHH! That hurts! So uncivilized! Battelgänger! Fire the sonic torpedoes! Disintegration frequency! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!”
“EAT YOU!”
“Not today, Venom. You smell that? Melted symbiote, Son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of melted symbiote in the morning…smells like…victory.”
“I be…Jokah!”
“Hit him with a predator drone. Look Bud, the Batman canon is chock full of nonsense and I’m not indulging it. One lunatic — no matter how unhinged — wouldn’t stand a chance in a world of Gods and oligarchs. The booking makes no sense. Batman wins. Easily.”
“Okay. I be…I-Urn Man and I-Urn Man Patwiot!”
“The rematch we’ve all been waiting for…let’s see what you’ve got, Tony!”
“I youze bwastahs! Bwast-bwast! BWAst! BWAST!”
“Battelgänger — defensive countermeasures! WHOOP! FLIP! WHOOP! DODGE!”
“BAP! BWAST! SHUUHH! FIYA JET PACK!”
“AAAHH! This is that experimental Pentagon technology! Sonavubitch undercut us on that bid!”
“SHUUUHH! SHUUUHH! BWAST! I get you!”
“Battelgänger! Hail Mary time. Fire the EMP! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!”
“What happen?”
“Alright, Bud, unfortunately Iron Patriot’s battery got fried and Iron Man’s suit doesn’t work either. Turns out Battelgänger was actually a cyborg — not a pure clone — so he made a noble sacrifice to save Bruce. Looks like we’re gonna have to settle this old school — toxic masculinity style. Tony, you might be a centibillionaire. But I’m still a decabillionaire and, more importantly, a ninja! CHOP! WHOOP! KICK! HADOUKEN!”
“BONK! WH–”
“Sorry, Bud, but this isn’t really a contest. Stark is crafty. But in a Street Fighter-inspired tournament he wouldn’t stand a chance against Bruce Wayne. Batman wins. The question now is: can anyone defeat the forces of klepto-capitalism?”
“I know! I be…HULK! HULK SMASH!”
“Oh no...”
“HULK SMASH! SMASH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! I SO…ANGWY!”
“Markets are no match for the unbridled power of the atom. Hulk’s the strongest there is. Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, and STILL heavyweight champion of the wooooooooorrrrr—”
“No! You be…Gawd-zilla!”
“REAHREARHAAAHHHHH! [Hulk, you may be the terrifying, indomitable manifestation of gamma rays, but I’m the O.G. The first allegory for the unlimited destructive potential of nuclear energy. But, unlike you, I’m also the perfect avatar for the looming climate change catastrophe! And the demise of your entire planet! Come — test your might. And let us see who’s truly the strongest*].” *Translated from Godzilla.
“HULK SMASH! SMASH!”
“TAIL SWEEP!”
“SMASH! ANGWY!”
“BREATHE FIRE!”
“SMASH! BONK! BONK! BONK!”
“SLIDING TAIL KICK!”
“Wow, Dude, this is quite the contest. Who do you think would win if the Hulk and Godzilla battled in real life?”
“Um…no-buddy.”
“Total planetary annihilation, huh? I think you’re right. Alright, let’s play with trucks instead.”
