24 Jan 2023 5 min read Satire

Deep State Holdings LLC Announces Key Business Updates

War: more profitable than pestilence

The world’s currency.

SIOUX FALLS, VALLETTA, Malta & MOSCOW, Russia — (BUSINESS WIRE) — Deep State Holdings LLC (NYSE:DEEP; HKEX:08666), a multinational conglomerate engaged in the development, manufacturing, and distribution of high-innovation products in fast-growing, globalized markets, is pleased to announce unprecedented operating and financial results, unveil exciting new talent acquisitions, and issue record-breaking financial guidance.

“Following our spectacular performance in 2021 — which included the once-in-a-lifetime launch of our world-class Omicron brand, as well as the continued adoption of our complementary portfolio of mRNA vaccines and booster shots — we knew a strategic pivot would be required to continue delivering profitable, sustainable, organic growth,” said Thomas Jeffrey “Tom” Hanks, Deep State’s Executive Chairman and Chief Executive Officer. “Igniting a third World War was the obvious choice, and thus far we’ve been extremely pleased with the returns we’ve generated for our shareholders.”

William “Bill” Kristol, Executive Vice President of Deep State’s War Division, added: “War is clarifying. War is purifying. War is profitable.”

Deep State’s gratified to report every single business unit in the War Division — from Aerospace to Munitions to Mercenary Staffing — achieved record-high sales, earnings, and operating cash flows last year.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled with the results from the first year of this ongoing global conflict, and we’re very excited for what promises to be a long, bloody, protracted slog,” Mr. Kristol added.

WAR DIVISION HIGHLIGHTS

Operating revenues, earnings, and cash flows reached strongest levels since 1945
Deep State’s Northrop Grumman (NYSE:NOC), Lockheed Martin (NYSE:LMT), and Raytheon Technologies (NYSE:RTX) subsidiaries captured >70% of newly approved $858 billion U.S. defense spending bill
Resurgence of European tank warfare generated record-setting sales in Wayne Enterprises (NYSE:BAT) Armored Vehicle Segment
Successful Starlink pilot program establishes proof-of-concept for future worldwide deployment (Project codename: Private Eyes)
Effective government lobbying elevates G7 defense budgets to highest levels on record

HEALTHCARE DIVISION HIGHLIGHTS

“While consumer and shareholder attention has understandably shifted to Deep State’s war profiteering, our Healthcare Division continues to deliver exceptional global returns,” Mr. Hanks said.

“Despite waning consumer interest, and the expected maturation of our coronavirus and vaccine/booster portfolios in the U.S. and Europe, revenue growth in Asia Pacific — led by the astonishing launch trajectory of Omicron XBB.1.5 in China — has exploded,” said Messrs. Jet Li and Jackie Chan, Co-Heads of Market Development for Deep State’s Asia Pacific Region.

According to the latest satellite imaging data, at least one million Chinese consumers are trialing and adopting Omicron each day, and with Lunar New Year celebrations in full swing near-term growth prospects look enormously promising.

“Jet, Jackie, and their team worked closely and tirelessly with the Chinese Communist Party to penetrate this extraordinarily complex, extraordinarily lucrative market,” Mr. Hanks said. “Now that Deep State’s established a beachhead in China we’re looking forward to many decades of consistent and durable growth for our infectious diseases product lines,” he added.

CRYPTOCURRENCY DIVISION HIGHLIGHTS

Deep State is also pleased to announce its Cryptocurrency Division recently executed the final stage of “Operation Pump & Dump,” a fifteen-year-long financial scam which netted tens of billions of dollars in tax-free profit for its Luxembourg subsidiary.

“When our financial engineering team first invented Bitcoin in 2008 we realized the technology had no practical day-to-day use,” Mr. Hanks said. “However, we also recognized its unrivaled potential for deployment as an overly complicated financial instrument designed to defraud tech bros, conspiracy theorists, preppers, and incels.”

Gary Gensler, Deep State’s Global Head of Corporate Finance and Chair of the Securities and Exchange Commission, credited “Useful Idiots” for playing an integral role in establishing credibility for the worthless digital technology.

“I’d like to personally thank Matt Damon, Stephen Curry, Larry David, Gisele Bündchen, Shaquille O’Neal, the entire city of Miami, and — most of all — Sam Bankman-Fried for legitimizing cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin and Ethereum. Duping the masses into transferring their assets to Deep State would not have been possible without their considerable efforts,” Mr. Gensler said.

“I’d also be remiss if I didn’t thank my colleagues Jerome Powell and Janet Yellen for their unwavering support. By stubbornly suppressing interest rates they encouraged excessive risk-seeking behavior by the global investment community,” Mr. Gensler added.

Since its inception, “Operation Pump & Dump” has generated upwards of $50 billion of net profit for Deep State, first by artificially inflating the prices of a basket of cryptocurrencies through aggressive advertising and market manipulation, then by shorting that same basket of assets in advance of a pre-planned “Black Swan event.”

“We’re in the process of divesting our remaining holdings and intend to wind down our entire Cryptocurrency Division once we push the price of Bitcoin to zero,” Mr. Gensler said.

burning banknotes — Your crypto portfolio at work.

NEW TALENT ACQUISITIONS

Deep State is delighted to announce the hiring of former New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern as Global Head of Talent Management and disgraced journalist Matthew Taibbi as Executive Vice President of Public Relations and Corporate Communications.

“People are the bedrock of our organization, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to add these immensely talented individuals to our executive team,” Mr. Hanks said.

“I tried desperately to serve the public with honesty, integrity, and compassion, but I’ve come to realize humans are inherently trash,” said Ms. Ardern. “During this next chapter of my life I’m looking forward to becoming fabulously rich at their expense.”

Added Mr. Taibbi: “My exemplary work investigating and exposing the ‘Twitter Files’ demonstrates my slavish devotion to cynical billionaires and unequivocally proves I’ve surrendered all journalistic integrity. I plan to hit the ground running in my new role at Deep State.”

RECORD-BREAKING FINANCIAL GUIDANCE

With wars and pandemics raging and price inflation spiraling, Deep State expects to deliver all-time high revenues, profits, and operating cash flows during fiscal year 2023.

Highlights include (all values nominal):

Expected worldwide net revenues of $75 to $80 trillion — highest ever!
Expected War Division net revenues of $25 to $30 trillion — highest ever!
Expected Healthcare Division net revenues of $15 to $20 trillion — highest ever!
Expected worldwide gross margin expansion to >65%
Expected worldwide tax rate of 0.0000%
Expected worldwide net earnings of $15 to $20 trillion — highest ever!
Expected worldwide free cash flow of $9 to $14 trillion — highest ever!

“Our fundamentals have never been stronger, and global business conditions have never been more favorable, which has positioned Deep State to capture more than 75% of total global economic output for the first time in our illustrious history,” Mr. Hanks said.

“I want to thank our employees, shareholders, and the Dark Lord Satan himself for making this monumental achievement possible,” he added.

INVESTOR CONFERENCE CALL

Management looks forward to discussing Deep State’s fourth-quarter and full-year 2022 financial results and to providing detailed 2023 financial guidance during an investor conference call on Tuesday, February 14, 2023.

Interested parties can watch live online at www.deepstatellc.com or dial-in as follows:

Conference call line: +1 800-NEO-CUCK

Passcode: APOCALYPSE NOW

ABOUT DEEP STATE HOLDINGS LLC

Deep State Holdings LLC is a diversified, multinational holding company focused on high-value products, people, and markets. We create the technologies that make human existence meaningless and unbearable.