Forty-Five Things a Man Does

In today’s post I’m celebrating Beyoncé’s forty-fourth birthday—and my forty-fifth—by detailing forty-five things a "real" man does. Enjoy!

1) Mentors and teaches young people.

2) Competes fiercely and fairly with all comers, regardless of gender, race, religion, creed, or whatever tribal nonsense our sad little monkey brains dream up next.

3) Quotes classic movie lines out of context.

4) Performs oral sex.

5) Washes dishes, folds laundry, changes diapers, scrubs toilets, buys groceries, cooks dinners, vacuums carpets, mops floors, and—in general—does the dirty work.

6) Remains loyal to his partner—through thick and thin.

7) Hugs his kids and tells them: "I love you."

8) Wins with grace and loses with pride.

9) Reads fiction.

10) Writes poetry.

11) Follows the rules when it’s the right thing to do, breaks the rules when it’s the right thing to do, and knocks a motherfucker into next week when it’s the right thing to do.

12) Shares.

13) Punches up, protects the little guy, picks on people bigger than himself, and bullies the bullies.

14) Puts his money where his mouth is.

15) Chooses curiosity over fear, compassion over malice, and selflessness over selfishness.

16) Processes—rather than projects—his shit.

17) Learns something new every single day.

18) Offers to help those in need.

19) Asks for help when in need.

20) Works with his hands.

21) Cries.

22) Devours books, documentaries, and podcasts about World War I.

23) Sings like nobody's listening and dances like nobody's watching.

24) Apologizes—and improves—after fucking up.

25) Calls his mom.

26) Realizes diversity is strength and knows empathy is power.

27) Indulges his imagination and cultivates his creativity.

28) Obsesses over maps.

29) Aspires to be a better father than the one he had.

30) Makes people laugh.

31) Follows the directions when assembling furniture, installing appliances, and operating power tools.

32) Recognizes that if he's the smartest person in the room, he needs to find a more interesting room.

33) Sacrifices his fiduciary duties to fulfill his familial obligations.

34) Keeps his promises and honors his engagements.

35) Maintains proper hygiene.

36) Has conviction in his ideas but remains receptive to new information.

37) Knows his limitations.

38) Appreciates the value of a dollar—and understands money can't buy contentedness.

39) Mercilessly makes fun of himself.

40) Challenges himself to achieve great things—but always considers the greater good.

41) Devours books, documentaries, and podcasts about World War II.

42) Appreciates the process and savors the struggle.

43) Takes accountability instead of placing blame.

44) Repurposes his rage into productive pursuits.

45) Celebrates the wonder—and accepts the finitude—of his life.

Previous Bangers in My Birthday Series

This is the fourth year in a row I've written a number-themed post for my birthday and I'm delighted to report they've all been bangers.

The following pieces are certainly worth a look:

• Forty-Four Rules for Life
• A Life in Forty-Three Verses (paywalled)
• Forty-Two Goals for the Next Forty-Two Years

If I survive another year I'll be forty-six, which rounds up to fifty, which rounds up to dead, which means this will be the final entry in the series.