Forty-Four Rules for Life

In today’s post I’m celebrating Beyoncé’s forty-third birthday — and my forty-fourth — by unveiling Forty-Four Rules for Life.

Forty-Four Rules for Life

1. Never buy a condo.

2. If you must be an asshole, be a productive asshole. The kind of asshole who solves, rather than creates, problems for society.

3. Resist simple narratives and don’t be reductive. Life’s big issues are multivariate and require nuanced, dynamic thinking.

4. Create pieces of art you love, then let “the market” worry about whether they’re good, bad, or ugly.

5. Stand up to bullies. For yourself, and for those who can’t.

6. That thing you want more than anything in this world? FFS don’t wait around for permission — go get it.

7. Everything experiences diminishing returns; ergo, everything in moderation.

8. Be a serious person, but don’t take yourself too seriously.

9. Biking > Walking >>> Driving.

10. Prioritize friends and family over bosses and employers. The former don’t have fiduciary duties, and might even give a shit about you.

11. Don’t be a hypocrite — there’s nothing worse than a hypocrite.

12. Never get out of the boat…unless you’re going all the way.

13. Learn the difference between politics and policy.

14. Identify your fears, treat them with respect, and overcome them.

15. Follow through on your commitments.

16. Always choose a great movie over a great TV show.

17. Avoid overanalyzing other people’s behavior. They have their own shit to worry about, and they aren’t thinking about you anywhere near as much as you are thinking about you.

18. Never cheap it out on shoes or mattresses.

19. For every minute you waste on social media, spend ten biking, running, jogging, walking, lifting weights, reading, writing, masturbating, cleaning, gardening, woodworking, boning — anything more productive.

20. Surround yourself with the smartest, strongest, savviest people you can find.

21. When you feel the urge to buy something, ask yourself what you really want, and whether it can be purchased.

22. Visit and patronize your public library as often as possible.

23. Approach every problem with toughness, kindness, and fairness in mind.

24. Go to therapy. You’ll benefit, and so will everyone around you.

25. Brush and floss twice per day. Related: Wear sunscreen.

26. Don’t dish it unless you can take it.

27. Listen to music instead of podcasts — your brain, body, and soul will thank you.

28. Always secure two or more quotes from contractors and vendors. Pro tip: Hire plumbers for plumbing work and electricians for electrical work.

29. When caught conversing with kooks, quacks, and conspiracy theorists, just smile, and say: “Huh. I never realized the government, which Dear Leader Reagan said was bloated, incompetent, useless, inefficient, and chock-full of total dipshits, could orchestrate such a sophisticated, clandestine, globe-spanning operation.”

30. When you make a mistake, make amends.

31. Purchase and read a handful of novels every year. Pro tip: Life’s too short to spend on books you hate.

32. Don’t overprotect or infantilize your kids. Teach them about the world, respect them as individuals, and watch them amaze you.

33. Don’t make rash decisions and trust your gut.

34. Remember: Hatemongers hate themselves, and fearmongers fear progress.

35. Time and money are artificial constructs, but only the former is finite. Value them accordingly.

36. Procure your “news” from three fact-checked sources: The Economist, The Financial Times, and The New Yorker.

37. Factor entropy into your grand designs.

38. Talk to your loved ones on the phone. It’s old-fashioned, and inconvenient, and by far the best alternative to hanging IRL.

39. Don’t forget: No one on their deathbed wishes they’d worked more.

40. Give everybody a second chance. Give nobody a third.

41. Be grateful, but never settle.

42. Don’t melt down at your kids’ sporting events. They’re supposed to be having fun, and you’re supposed to be a grown-up.

43. Adhere to your principles, even when — especially when — they make you miserable.

44. Accept your inevitable death; cherish your precious life.

Author's Note: To be clear, I have not read Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Based on how they’ve worked for him, I don’t intend to either. I did, however, consult his list using Wikipedia.