Going Infinite

Dear Valued Member,

Like many Americans, we’re deeply disturbed by the mass shooting epidemic which continues to plague our once proud nation. The tragic and senseless violence which occurred at the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl parade on Valentine’s Day is just the latest episode in what’s become a never-ending national nightmare.

Every single day lives are lost, communities are shattered, and, worst of all, small businesses like ours are imperiled. In the aftermath, pusillanimous politicians lament the “unavoidable tragedy,” handwave about the ongoing “mental health crisis,” and declare it “too soon” to discuss “reactionary” gun control regulations.

As business owners, we’ve been disheartened and demoralized by this disastrous cycle, and the continued inaction by our elected representatives has now become untenable.

That’s why we’ve partnered with the U.S. Department of the Treasury, the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System, the National Football League, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Taylor Swift, the National Security Agency, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives to create an innovative new public policy initiative which will eliminate mass shootings once and for all.

We call it Amazon Infinite.

A future where you’ll never again be afraid a madman might go ballistic at a movie theater, concert hall, or sports arena. Where you’ll never again have to worry your kids might not come home from school.

Fantasy, you say?

Not with Amazon Infinite.

Members who join our revolutionary, one-of-a-kind program will never fall victim to the capricious and indiscriminate violence of a mass shooting. We guarantee it.

But how, you wonder?

Our program is quite simple.

All Amazon Infinite members will willfully and legally be placed under permanent house arrest for the remainder of their natural lives. They will also be restricted from cohabitating with more than two other human beings.

We know, we know.

On paper, Amazon Infinite sounds insane. And we realize some may feel our initiative is a draconian, wildly disproportionate response to what seems like an easily addressable problem.

The tragic reality is: nobody can prevent the “shooting” part of a mass shooting. By entering into partnerships with select U.S. government agencies and thought-leading private organizations, however, we can eliminate the “mass” part.

To allay any and all possible concerns, AlexaBot has provided answers to a list of Frequently Asked Questions below.

Change is rarely easy. But radical times demand radical solutions. As always, thank you for being a loyal and valued member.

Be well,

Jeffrey P. Bezos, Executive Chair, Amazon.com, Inc.

Andrew R. Jassy, President & Chief Executive Officer, Amazon.com, Inc.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Question: This was your best idea? AYFKM?

Answer: AlexaBot ran trillions of possible simulations. Amazon Infinite provides the safest path to eliminating the scourge of mass shootings.

Question: Did you people learn nothing from the Covid-19 pandemic? Americans don’t take kindly to any public health restrictions. And you expect perpetual quarantine to fly?

Answer: Covid-19 mitigations were designed to protect the old, frail, and immunocompromised, i.e., people with no intrinsic value. Amazon Infinite preserves and sanctifies an American’s right to bear arms, i.e., the freedom which is more precious than all other freedoms combined.

Question: Does everyone have to participate in this madness?

Answer: All residents located within the U.S. and its related territories will automatically be enrolled in Amazon Infinite as of March 1, 2024. Members may opt out at any time. Members who opt out of Amazon Infinite will automatically be enrolled in Amazon Gulag, our operations and logistics division. See Terms and Conditions for additional details.

Question: What about immigrants? Or residents without U.S. citizenship?

Answer: All illegal aliens located within the U.S. and its related territories will automatically be enrolled in Amazon Gulag.

Question: What about homeless people?

Answer: All non-housed residents located within the U.S. and its related territories will automatically be enrolled in Amazon Gulag.

Question: What happens to families with more than four members?

Answer: Domiciles containing more than four residents will draw straws. The three longest straws will stay together as a family unit. The remaining members will automatically be enrolled in Amazon Gulag.

Question: FFS—what if children draw the three longest straws?!

Answer: Families which prefer not to be reduced to a three-person unit may collectively join Amazon Gulag.

Question: Alright, I just want to make sure I understand. Because the so-called leaders of our shithole country are too cowardly to enact reasonable gun protections, you and your cronies have unilaterally decided to 1) imprison all Americans in their homes or 2) force them into indentured servitude?

Answer: Amazon Infinite is a completely optional program which provides its members with a bounty of amazing benefits, including, but not limited to, entertainment, grocery distribution, same-day delivery on all merchandise orders over $25, home maintenance services, childcare services, medical care, dental care, optometry and ophthalmology services, real estate brokerage, financial and estate planning, tax advisory, and legal representation. Of course, most importantly, Amazon Infinite members will never be killed in a mass shooting.

Question: I have Amazon Prime and it sucks.

Answer: Amazon Infinite will build upon Amazon Prime’s industry leading commercial platform. The Federal Reserve has extended an unlimited line of credit to Amazon.com, and the U.S. Treasury has declared Amazon digital credits the official reserve currency of the U.S. government. Backed by these institutions, Amazon management plans to expand aggressively into a number of adjacent services and product categories. Future near-term acquisitions could include Target, Home Depot, Lowes, Menards, Kroger, Safeway, Smith & Wesson, Luger, Best Buy, Apple, Spotify, Samsung, ByteDance, WeChat, Meta, Disney, Netflix, Warner Bros., Jones Day, AT&T, Verizon, Morgan Stanley, Citadel, and Vanguard, among others. Eventually, management expects all organizations employing two or more staff members to be fully integrated into Amazon Infinite.

Question: This sounds fucking nightmarish.

Answer: Residents located within the U.S. and its related territories who do not wish to participate in Amazon Infinite or Amazon Gulag may apply for Amazon Compost. Liquidations are performed via firing squad every five minutes—in groups of three.