How to Stay Married for the Long Haul

Exactly ten years ago my wife exacerbated the biggest mistake of her otherwise extraordinarily successful life. She engaged me in unholy matrimony, and thus encased herself in emotional, psychological, and, most troubling of all, legal carbonite. It’s a tragic story, but we all make choices.

In theory, she could escape her never-ending nightmare whenever she wants. In reality, she’s trapped. Why? Scroll down for my foolproof playbook, which provides step-by-step directions for remaining married to someone who wishes you were dead.

Anyone can get married.

In America, roughly two million people take the ill-fated plunge each year. And, unsurprisingly, according to some almost certainly flawed statistics, a great number come to regret their hasty, impulsive, and poorly conceived decision.

About half of wedded couples ask for a mulligan within the first decade of tying the knot. Those who don’t learn their lesson, and head back to the matrimonial drawing board, dissolve their subsequent unions faster and more efficiently.

These grim statistics are almost enough to dent one’s belief in the everlasting power of lust.

But, if roughly half of marriages end in divorce, then roughly half of marriages don’t¹. Moreover, according to some other almost certainly flawed statistics, happily married partners enjoy longer, healthier, more satisfying lives.

You’ve seen these exotic lovebirds in the wild.

The elderly couple who hold hands during their daily walks in the park, who tell you with unsolicited pride they’ve been married for an unnatural number of years. Like, fifty-seven.

Or the middle-aged parents on vacation, who somehow juggle a ridiculous mound of luggage and three mopey preteens while navigating a foreign locale, and who, amidst the chaos, stop to kiss and gaze longingly into each other’s eyes.

Fuck’s wrong with these people?

How do they resist the siren calls of divorce attorneys? How do they thrive in the face of certain Marital Armageddon?

I have no idea what makes these well-adjusted people tick. However, as a man who’s been blissfully wedded, for an entire decade, to a woman who’s been remorsefully wedded, for an entire decade, I’m delighted to share the secrets to my success.

Phase One: Foster Extreme Co-dependence

Staying married isn’t predicated on shared values or mind-blowing sex or surviving a harrowing ordeal or any of that bullshit you’ve seen on Netflix. The trick to staying married is making your partner so thoroughly dependent upon you their entire life would crumble in your absence.

Here’s how:

• Tackle all the shittiest and most time-consuming chores, i.e., wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean the bathrooms, vacuum and mop the floors, shop for the groceries, water the houseplants, mow the lawn, take care of the pets, manage the HOA, and so on, and so on.
• Oversee every piece of technology in your home, including Wi-Fi devices and passwords, computers, tablets, cell phones (including service providers and contracts), internet-connected smart appliances, video game systems — basically, if it plugs into a wall, take charge.
• Drive everywhere. Also, make sure to title all cars in your name, manage all insurance policies, and take care of licensing and registration. If you utilize public transportation, purchase and secure necessary passes, tickets, cards, apps, etc.
• Control and manage all financial accounts and assets (detailed instructions in Phase Two).

By embracing these tasks with passion and gusto, your spouse will think you care about them so, so much, you’re willing to do the dirty work which ensures your relationship runs smoothly. In reality, you’ll become so integral to their day-to-day survival, and over time their basic life skills will atrophy so severely, they won’t be able to function without you.

Divorce under those conditions? They wouldn’t dream of it.

Pro tip: Reinforce the precarity of your partner’s situation by dropping subtle hints during everyday conversation. Such as: “You know, if you left me, who would fix the Wi-Fi?” And: “Did you know your driver’s license expired? Whatever would you do if I wasn’t around to take care of you?”

Phase Two: Seize the Assets

This step is an obvious extension of Phase One, but it’s so integral to taking your spouse hostage for the long-term it merits additional discussion.

As Meth and I have explained over and over and over again, cash rules everything around us. Ergo, control the cash, control your marriage.

Like this:

First, ensure all online accounts and related login credentials are created in your name — including accounts solely owned by your partner — and manage them exclusively. Enable two-factor authentication on each account and link only to your mobile phone number.

Second, never share any of the aforementioned information with your partner. In fact, store all passwords, account numbers, routing numbers, and related data in a secure location only you can access. For example, on an encrypted hard drive with a secret password, which you store at a Swiss bank branch your partner doesn’t know exists, in a safety deposit box for which you possess the sole key.

Pro tip: Enroll your partner in a credit monitoring service to ensure they don’t open any accounts without your permission.

Finally, if/when your partner asks how “all the money stuff” works, just tell them you’ve got everything locked down and they have nothing to worry about.

See how easy?

You’ve now utterly paralyzed your partner. They can’t plan for retirement or invest in stocks, or bonds, or commodities, or crypto, or file their taxes, or send money to their deadbeat family members, or save for college, or fund an extramarital affair, or use credit card points to book a flight, or do anythingwithout the most important person in their life: you.

Plus, as an added bonus, you can make catastrophic financial decisions — like purchasing a $100,000 NFT of Ivan Drago or losing $343,000 on prop bets during The Westminster Dog Show — without your partner ever finding out!

Pro tip: So as not to appear overly controlling, create a checking account in your partner’s name and deposit a trivial amount of cash there each month. This false sense of independence will distract them from your larger goals.

Phase Three: Produce and Nurture Incorrigible Children

Successful execution of Phases One and Two should be more than enough to entrap your partner for a loveless, soul-crushing eternity. But, for those emotional terrorists who prefer to leave nothing to chance, activate Phase Three.

Propagation.

This truly diabolical scheme isn’t for the faint of heart, and those who pursue it will suffer immense, indescribable pain. On the flipside, it’s devilishly simple to implement, and all but assures only natural causes will save your spouse.

Step One: Produce or procure hellspawn infected with your genetic material.

Step Two: Encourage said hellspawn to manifest your ugliest, most sinister impulses.

Step Three: Watch your partner fail miserably to care for your unholy offspring, blame you for their piss-poor attitude and general misanthropy, and descend into madness.

Step Four: Acknowledge your partner’s plight, apologize for the role you’ve played in the dissolution of your marriage, and encourage them to retain a divorce lawyer to begin the separation process.

Step Five: Suppress your shit-eating grin when your partner realizes the horrifying truth: if they pursue a divorce and blame everything on you, some theocratic judge appointed by The Federalist Society will force them to take full custody of your demonic offspring.

Step Six: Assure your partner you’re willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage, then laugh maniacally to yourself, quit your job, and begin writing a novel.

Phase Four: Feign Vulnerability

At this stage your marital victory will be total.

In fact, your partner’s capitulation will be so overwhelming, you’ll need to switch gears and show some weakness, otherwise they might figure out you’re a manipulative sociopath who systematically destroyed their life. Worse still, they may be able to prove it in court.

Even Superman has to contend with kryptonite, so show your spouse you’re not completely invulnerable, by say, tearing the meniscus in your knee while playing with your kids at a trampoline gym.

Or, by talking about how you feel increasingly isolated from friends and family since you became a brooding and depressive novelist.

Or, by lamenting the career sacrifices you’ve made in order to support your family — because God knows your partner couldn’t have managed those miniature psychopaths alone.

In general, appear as helpless as possible, which will elicit sympathy from your partner while you strip away the final remnants of their agency.

Phase Five: Masturbate…a Lot

The fifth and final phase may be the most difficult.

By now your spouse has lost the ability to survive on their own. They can’t drive a car or do laundry or log into their retirement account. If you opted for Phase Three, they can’t divorce you or have you assassinated, because then they’d be saddled with your terrifying progeny.

They’re trapped, and they know it, and they despise you. They hold you in complete and total contempt, and would rather shove an icepick in their eye socket than engage in sexual congress with you.

You’ve reached perfect matrimonial stalemate. The only way your partner can break free is if you open the adultery escape hatch.

That’s why you must develop Simone Biles’ self-control and Steve Rodgers’ iron will. Because no matter how horny and desperate you become, if you waver, even for a few delightful minutes, and cede the moral high ground, all your scheming will have been for naught, and your hard-earned marriage will end up another heartbreaking statistic.

When you and your partner agreed to get married, you entered into a legal, moral, and societal contract, which you promised to uphold until death do you part. Having your existence reduced to a long, sexless, senescent slog is part of the deal.

Remember, anybody can get married.

Staying married takes sabotage.