I, the One True God, Have Forsaken You, and That’s Why Duke Will Win the National Championship

Insignificant humans! Glorified monkeys! Creatures unequipped to deal with your planet’s — the one so graciously gifted by Me — rapidly deteriorating atmosphere!

Behold! It is I, your One True God. Bask in My glory!

Now ask yourselves: why have I forsaken thee?

Why have I unleashed the plague upon your lands? Why must you cower under the threat of global thermonuclear annihilation? Why did Judas and Satan collab at the Y-combinator to create Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook?

How myriad the reasons.

To justify My actions to you pitiful beings would be beneath the station of a Deity such as Myself. The One True Deity, that is.

Take heed, heathens! You deserve not knowledge. You deserve not purpose. You deserve not meaning, nor fulfillment, nor joy, nor providence.

You deserve scorn. Ridicule. Disdain. Contempt. Punishment.

And ye savages shall have it! For on Monday night, I will reveal My most devastating assault yet on your putrid existences.

Duke will win the men’s college basketball national championship! Coach K will go out a winner!

SHUDDER mY WRATH!!!

BREATHE THE FLAMES OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!!

#2022 is already not the vibes, you protest?! Haven’t we suffered enough, you ask?! No just and moral God would be this malevolent, you postulate?!

Poor wretched children. Know Me, you do not.

Gaze upon your brackets, cuckholds! Witness the carnage I have wrought. The most wide-open men’s tourney in recent history. Teeming with upsets. Featuring the ultimate Cinderella in notorious false prophet St. Peter!

And yet where have we arrived?

ALL CHALK.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I, the Spiteful One, the Destroyer of Worlds, busted your bullshit brackets with an 8-seed in the Final Four — only for it be North Carolina! An athletic department masquerading as an elite public university! Winner of six previous national championships in men’s basketball! Twenty-one Final Four appearances! An institution so beholden to Nike, they created a fake academic department to rubberstamp their so-called “student-athletes” onto the court!

WEEP.

What of the other side of the bracket, you dare inquire?

The Kansas Jayhawks. lol

Three-time men’s NCAA champions. Sixteen Final Fours. Home of Wilt Chamberlain. Benefactor of the Adidas criminal syndicate. Perennial choke artists. If ever there was a year for Kansas to be knocked out early, was this not it?

Ingrates! Those as feebleminded as you might have thought so. But I, the One True God, work in mysterious ways.

To sear your benighted souls, I gifted coach Bill Self a preposterously easy path to the Final Four. Opponent seeds: 16, 9, 4 (wildly overrated), and 10. And why not? Satan has possessed this insignificant man’s soul since Memphis missed all those free throws in 2008. What harm could come from back-to-back sentences of eternal damnation?

Which brings us to Villanova. Seven Final Fours. Three national titles! An underrated powerhouse by any measure. Historical success of this magnitude — for a derelict Catholic whorehouse jettisoned to the Philadelphia Main Line — is a miracle in its own right. If this debauched cathedral of lepers were to win it all — and henceforth be labeled a “dynasty” — said calamity would be proof enough global Western hegemony and market-based capitalism were in precipitous, irreversible decline.

But beware, cretins! Were I to foist any of these abominable programs onto your already accursed existence, it would be proof enough of My wickedness. But no. These simply won’t do.

There lies only One True path to utter gut-wrenching despair. To the abandonment of all hope.

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at that smug, shit-eating grin on Krzyzewski’s face! Picture his vile post-game interview after he and his unholy ones “avenge” their ACC tourney loss to UNC in the national semi-final. The speech where he chastises his deranged fanatics for daring to feel even one microsecond of joy. Where he grotesquely stresses that “the job isn’t done yet.”

Now envisage him, on Monday night, excoriating Paolo Banchero for icing the victory over Kansas with a 360-dunk, which puts his team up an insurmountable eight points with nine seconds left. See the throbbing magenta erection that is his revolting countenance! Insufferable till the bitter end.

Imagine next the “lessons in sportsmanship” Banchero will be told he “still has to learn” during the post-game press conference. Overshadowing his dominant performance (22/8/6, 52% FG, 8/10 FT), and the gratitude he feels for the talents I bestowed upon him. The talents that will ensure he’ll be a top-five selection in the NBA draft, which will be heinously and inaccurately attributed to Coach K’s outstanding mentorship.

VOMIT.

Your suffering hasn’t concluded, miscreants!

Finally, visualize your Duke co-worker, the one you and everyone you know despises, celebrating over Zoom on Tuesday morning. Or worse still — while expectorating SARS-CoV-2 onto your defenseless face!

Proselytizing about how “we” won the national championship. How “we” did it for Coach K. How “we” always did it “the right way” under his tutelage. And how there will “never be another Coach K.” (This last one is true, incidentally, as I will render your species extinct much sooner than you realize.)

Close your eyes and imagine this horror show!

Let your briny tears flow!

Watch the blood of lambs run white from your Godforsaken husks!

Feel your bowels boil in the molten lava of Hades!

Duke is the champion you people deserve. And, by God’s — meaning My — will, come Monday night, Duke is the champion ye shall have.

The Benevolent Creator of All Things,

The One True God

P.S. Lest any of you blasphemers rationalize these travails as the price you must pay for eternal salvation in the Kingdom of Heaven, know this: I, the One True God, am a queer, non-binary, mixed-race capybara. And an atheist.

BURN.