Last Known U.S. Senate Roster

Ancient archaeological remains — discovered by researchers at the Chimeric RatRoach Institute Dedicated to Avoiding the Mistakes of the Monkeys and the Dinosaurs Who Preceded Us — suggest the United States of America, the hegemonic superpower of its epoch, rapidly devolved into political chaos and sectarian violence following a Presidential election in the Year of the Monkeys’ Lord 2024.

Desperate attempts to wrest control of the nation’s perpetually gridlocked Senate exacerbated the crisis.

Some states fragmented in a naked attempt to load the chamber with partisan hacks and gain political advantage.

Climate change and man-made disasters rendered others uninhabitable¹²³. Secession plots by Texas⁴ and Utah⁵ ended in disaster.

After this prolonged period of instability and chaos, records indicate Shadow Emperor Peter Thiel dissolved the U.S. Senate around the middle of the twenty-first century. The exact year remains unknown.

Archaeologists believe the final Senate roster was constituted as follows.

U.S. Senate, Circa 2050

Alabama: Nick Saban (R); Tommy Tuberville (R)

Alaska: The Abominable Snowman (D); Lisa Murkowski (R)

Arkansas: Tom Cotton (R); Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R)

Central California: Chuck Norris* (R); Steven Segal (R)

Colorado: Trey Parker (D); Lindsey Vonn (D)

Connecticut: Shane McMahon (D); Stephanie McMahon (R)

Delaware: Joe Biden* (D); Joe the Plumber (D)

East Dakota: Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R); Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R)

Floribama: Marco Rubio (R); Ron DeSantis (D)

Floridian Archipelago: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (I); Alex Rodriguez (D)

Georgia: André 3000 (D); Big Boi (D)

Guam: Tammy Duckworth (D); Barack Obama (D)

Hawaii: Bruno Mars (D); Keanu Reeves (D)

Idaho: Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R); Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R)

Illinois, Crimetown: Chance the Rapper (D); Oprah Winfrey (D)

Illinois, Law & Order: Lori Lightfoot (R); Kyle Rittenhouse (R)

Indiana: Mick Foley (I); Mike Pence (R)

Iowa: Kevin Costner (I); Steve Doocy (R)

Kansas: Kirstie Alley (R); Danny Manning (D)

Kentucky: Ashley Judd (D); Mitch McConnell* (R)

Louisiana: Tyler Perry (D); Adam Sandler (as The Waterboy) (D)

Maine: Susan Collins (R); Stephen King* (D)

Maryland: John Doman (as Rawls from The Wire) (R); Wendell Pierce (as Bunk from The Wire) (D)

Massachusetts, Collegeville: Ben Affleck (D); Matt Damon (D)

Massachusetts, Dunkin’: Donny from Suffolk (R); Vinny from Southie (R)

Michigan, Metro: Lucy Liu (D); Madonna* (D)

Michigan, Suburbs: Eminem (R); Kid Rock (R)

Michigan, Upper Peninsula: Wolverine (as Weapon X) (I); Wolverine (as weasel) (D)

Minnesota: Chris Pratt (R); Jesse Ventura (I)

Mississippi: Brett Favre (R); Unidentified KKK Grand Wizard (I)

Missouri: Brad Pitt (I); Patricia McCloskey (R)

Montana: Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R); Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R)

Nebraska: Larry the Cable Guy (R); Shadowy Corn Industry Lobbyist (R)

Nevada: Anonymous Elvis Impersonator (D); Sheldon Adelson (as Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s) (D)

New Hampshire: Nondescript, crunchy, radical leftist (D); Nondescript, crunchy, radical leftist (D)

New Jersey: Bruce Springsteen* (D); Mike Tyson* (D)

New York Commonwealth: Ann Coulter (R); Megyn Kelly (R)

New York Floating Maximum Security Prison: Jordan Peele (D); Kurt Russell (as Snake Plissken from Escape from New York) (D)

North Carolina: Mike Krzyzewski (R); Rapsody (D)

North Dakota: Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R); Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R)

Northern California: Dianne Feinstein* (D); Kumail Nanjiani (D)

Ohio: Sherrod Brown (D); DeShaun Watson (R)

Oregon, Patriotlandia: Ammon Bundy (R); Ryan Bundy (R)

Oregon, Portlandia: Brian Michael Bendis (D); Rasheed Wallace (D)

Pennsyltucky: Ben Roethlisberger (R); Joe Paterno’s Statue (R)

Pennsylvania, Murdur Durdur: The Philly Phanatic (D); Kate Winslet (as Mare from Mare of Easttown) (D)

Pennsylvania, Primanti Brothers: Kurt Angle (D), Sydney Crosby (D)

Rhode Island: Nondescript, crunchy, radical leftist (D); Nondescript, crunchy, radical leftist (D)

South Carolina: Lindsey Graham (R); Dabo Swinney (R)

South Dakota: Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R); Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R)

Southern California: Caitlin Jenner* (R); Ice Cube (D)

Tennessee: Peyton Manning* (R); Taylor Swift (D)

Vermont: Bernie Sanders (as Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s) (I); Nondescript, crunchy, radical leftist (D)

Virginia: Sandra Bullock (D); Tim Kaine (D)

Washington, Bezosland: Jeff Bezos (I); Howard Schultz* (I)

Washington, Gatesland: Bill Gates* (R); Melinda Gates (D)

West Dakota: Ian McShane (as Deadwood’s Al Swearengen) (I); Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R)

West Virginia: Joe Manchin* (I); Heather Manchin Bresch (R)

Wisconsin: Ron Dayne (D); Jim Leonhard (R)

Wyoming: Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R); Generic states’ rights and anti-gun control fanatic (R)

Chamber Count: Fifty-four Democrats, fifty-four Republicans, twelve Independents.

*Researchers believe the brains of these Senators were housed in a bizarre android-like technology called “The Krang.”

Footnotes:

1. A series of tactical nuclear weapons were detonated in every major Arizonan city during the “Lake Crisis of 2029.” The event leveled the region and nuclear fallout rendered neighboring New Mexico uninhabitable.
2. Unregulated fracking caused a devastating earthquake (Richter magnitude: 9.4) in Oklahoma circa 2040. The state became a non-potable man-made lake.
3. Washington D.C. was granted statehood in 2034 and elected two Democratic Senators. It was seized by Saudi Arabia circa 2037 after the federal government defaulted on its debts.
4. Texas seceded in 2031. Defended only by civilian militias, the Mexican government immediately invaded, conquered, and annexed the territory.
5. Utah declared itself an independent theocracy circa 2043 and devolved into statewide civil war. Its territory was eventually carved up and folded into Colorado and Nevada.