My Daughter and I Had the Talk -- About Algorithms

INT. HOME DEPOT — MORNING

Narrow, harshly lit, poorly stocked “Planters” aisle in city-sized Home Depot.

A father — tanned, stocky, menacing, early forties — scans the limited selection of sure-to-break-within-a-year garden hose nozzles. His six-year-old daughter — nimble, precocious, ferocious — keeps her eyes peeled for yellow clearance tags, per protocol.

After a few moments in the cramped space, the six-year-old, curious — but mostly in the mood to hear her own voice — asks a question.

DAUGHTER

(Assured)

Dad, did you know there are eight planets in our solar system?

FATHER

(Intrigued)

I did know that. In fact, there used to be nine planets in our solar system, but then the geniuses at NASA canceled Pluto. It’s a dwarf planet now.

DAUGHTER

What does dwarf mean?

FATHER

(Didactic)

It basically means small, but let’s check the official definition. One sec. Okay, according to Merriam-Webster, the word dwarf, in the context of astronomy, means “a celestial object of comparatively small mass or size.” So, a few years back NASA decided Pluto was too small to be a “real” planet and demoted it.

DAUGHTER

That’s sad.

FATHER

It is sad. When I was little Pluto was super easy to remember because it was the smallest planet and also the one farthest away from the sun.

DAUGHTER

(Excited)

Pluto is also the name of Mickey Mouse’s dog! Like, you know, Pluto the dog — oh he’s so cute!

FATHER

(Annoyed)

How’d you learn about the planets anyway?

DAUGHTER

We talked about them at school.

FATHER

(Impressed)

Nice. During science?

DAUGHTER

Nope. One day in class somebody asked Miss W. how many planets there were and then Miss W. asked Google and then Google told us the answer. Eight planets.

FATHER

(Concerned)

I see. And how do you think Google knows how many planets reside in our solar system?

DAUGHTER

Because Google knows everything!

FATHER

(Shook)

Okay, listen up, this is important. Google, and tech companies like it, including Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok, all rely on computer programs called algorithms. Ever heard that word?

DAUGHTER

No.

FATHER

Al-go-rhythm. It’s basically a fancy term that means solving a problem by following a very specific set of directions. Google, for instance, is called a search engine and it uses search algorithms to — ostensibly — help people find information on the internet. Its actual business is selling junk ads online.

DAUGHTER

(Demonstrative)

Ugh — I hate junk ads!

FATHER

Me too. Unfortunately, the entire internet ecosystem is subsidized by junk ads. People really don’t like paying for content…

Anyway, with Google, you ask a question — How many planets are in the solar system? — and Google follows a very specific set of rules and instructions — which were designed by computer programmers — to come up with an “answer.”

But! — and this is essential — while searching for the answer, Google doesn’t “think.” Google isn’t a person. Google doesn’t have a brain. Or feelings. Or a moral compass. Google doesn’t understand context. Or history. Or present-day social mores or geopolitics.

Google is just a bunch of computer programs, which are designed to solve very specific problems by following very specific directions. Understand?

DAUGHTER

(Enthusiastic)

Oh, I get it! Google is sort of like R2!

FATHER

Google’s probably more like C-3PO, but, sure, think of it as a very, veryunsophisticated droid from Star Wars.

Now, with all that in mind, what do you think happens when you ask Google a question that doesn’t come with a simple, straightforward answer?

DAUGHTER

Like what?

FATHER

Like, what is the meaning of life? Or, what’s the best movie of all-time? Or, which global power was most responsible for starting World War I?

Or how about this? What if you ask Google a question that does have a simple, straightforward answer, but which people disagree about because that’s just how people are? Like, for example, do vaccines cause autism? Or, do corporate tax cuts lead to increased business investment? What do you think happens then?

DAUGHTER

(Uncertain)

Maybe Google gets confused?

FATHER

It sure does! And when Google gets confused, society collapses. Hashtag twenty-twenty-two.

See, Google doesn’t “understand” how to answer complex, subjective, and/or philosophical questions, so in those cases its algorithms default to showing people things they’re already familiar with, or they already like, such as their favorite news sites, blogs, videos, or social media accounts. 

That creates what’s called an “echo chamber,” which in turn perpetuates what’s called “confirmation bias.” That’s when people double-down on their pre-existing beliefs and become less amenable to new information or ideas. Since Google is by far the dominant search engine, anyone who uses the internet is exposed to these types of algorithmic-driven biases.

And if all that wasn’t bad enough, these types of perverse effects go supernova on so-called social networks like Facebook and Twitter. You’ve seen Mommy and I use Twitter before, right?

DAUGHTER

Is that the place where you turn your stories into junk ads but then nobody clicks on them?

FATHER

That’s the one.

Now consider this. A few weeks after the horrific massacre at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas, the hashtag SHALLNOTBEINFRINGED trended on Twitter. It was bad faith, repulsive, disgusting, disheartening, and so much worse. But Twitter’s content-ranking algorithm thought all of it was great and went into overdrive promoting stuff related to it.

See, Twitter’s algorithm didn’t make a moral judgment about whether amplifying those tweets or that hashtag was right or wrong. It just calculated that a large number of people — and bots — “engaged” with that type of content. The algorithm then further promoted that nonsense, which meant more people saw it, then they subsequently liked and re-tweeted it — et cetera, et cetera — which eventually created a deleterious feedback loop of sheer lunacy and utter insanity.

This exact type of process is how we got a bunch of misinformed dipshits to storm the Capitol Building last January, why millions of people think the Covid-19 vaccine has a 5G microchip in it, why Q-Anon exists, and how corporations and universities entrench racial discrimination into their hiring and admissions processes. It’s also why Ron DeSantis will become the president in 2024. The formal scientific term is garbage in, garbage out.

DAUGHTER

Oh, so you mean, like, if you were to put garbage toppings on your pizza, then you’d be eating garbage pizza?

FATHER

(Proud)

Exactly! The insidiousness of these garbage algorithms can be subtle too. For example, in Apple News, I got caught up reading way too many articles in The Atlantic about the culture war, and about which of the dumb, orange president’s former cronies would be the latest to turn on him. Because I read so many stupid articles like that, Apple News’ suggestion algorithm said: Well, since you liked those so much, you’ll surely love these!

And thus I’d fallen into the trap. While Russia was preparing to shell Kiev, Apple News was showing me Reddit fan theories about what to expect from the third season of The Mandalorian. Somehow, while reading more than two hours of “news” per day, I had no idea World War III was imminent. Apple’s suggestion algorithms literally made me a less informed global citizen. Not great, huh?

DAUGHTER

Not great. At. ALL. But Dad, can’t you battle back against the algorithms?

FATHER

(Resigned)

It’s not easy. The most important step is remembering algorithms are all around us and influencing nearly everything we see or do online. Once I realized my news diet had been corrupted, I resubscribed to The Economist. I now force myself to read [almost] every article each week so I have a more informed, holistic view of the world.

Beyond that, we just have to stay vigilant, disciplined, and mentally frosty at all times.

DAUGHTER

What does vi-juh— 

FATHER

It means we should try to be more like Master Yoda.

DAUGHTER

Oh, right! I love Master Yoda! I wish more people were like Master Yoda.

FATHER

Indeed. Alright, let’s finish up and head home. The last episode of Obi-Wan is supposed to be epic. I read about it on Twitter.