My Kids and I Had the Talk -- About Adverse Selection
Talk to your kids about adverse selection, before it's too late
INT. KITCHEN — MORNING
Bitterly cold winter day in overpriced, critter-infested condo located in White safe, White wealthy, White well-manicured neighborhood on Chicago's White North Side.
A middle-aged father—solemn, swarthy, and silently wondering why he keeps going—shovels Grape Nuts into his mouth for the sixth thousandth consecutive morning. His ungrateful progeny consume designer pancakes prepared by their doting yet disappointed mother.
With breakfast winding down, and thirty minutes until school starts, the father's precocious and inquisitive ten-year-old daughter poses a compelling query.
DAUGHTER
(Curious)
Dad, in the Escape from New York movies, why are the presidents such total jerks?
FATHER
(Hopeful)
That's a good question, and one you already know the answer to because we've discussed the concept before.
So I return the question to the sender: Why do you think the presidents in those movies are such total jerks?
DAUGHTER
(Discomfited and annoyed)
Um...well...
FATHER
Let's break it down: What kind of person wants to become president?
DAUGHTER
(Unsure)
Someone who wants money?
FATHER
(Proud)
Correct.
Though, theoretically, the president is a public servant, and public servants are supposed to be concerned about improving the lives of their fellow citizens, not enriching themselves.
Theoretically.
What other personality attributes does a future president possess?
DAUGHTER
They're dumb?
FATHER
That is too often the case, sadly, though being dumb isn't a prerequisite for the job.
What other traits can you think of?
SON
(Confident)
Power.
FATHER
They're power hungry—yes.
They want to be in charge of everyone, right? And they also like to control things.
Anything else?
DAUGHTER
(Confident)
They want to be famous!
FATHER
Definitely.
So, basically, the kind of person who wants to become president is power hungry, money hungry, craves the spotlight, and loves to boss people around.
I mean, we're basically describing a sociopath, right?
DAUGHTER
(Disdainful)
Yeah—that person sounds terrible.
FATHER
They sure do.
Now, let's look at this another way: Who's the loudest, most insufferable kid in your class?
DAUGHTER
(Disgusted)
[REDACTED]
FATHER
And what are they like?
Do they always raise their hand in class?
Are they always talking over everyone else?
Do they never shut up?
DAUGHTER
(Tentative)
Yes, and...
FATHER
(Laughs bemused)
Am I describing you as well?!
Are you an annoying know-it-all who's always raising their hand and who loves the sound of their own voice and who's always begging the teacher to pay attention to them?
DAUGHTER
(Offended)
No!
SON
FATHER
It's okay if you are.
I was—and pretty much still am—so you're welcome to blame your personality defects on me.
DAUGHTER
I never want to be the center of attention in class.
I just want to get through each day with no drama so I can go home and have fun.
FATHER
And therein lies the answer to your question.
See, that annoying kid who never shuts up? And who has no sense of shame? And who's always saying the dumbest shit imaginable to get attention?
That kid's gonna become president one day.
DAUGHER
(Exasperated)
FATHER
(Resigned)
Yep.
In other words, the exact kind of person who should never become president is exactly the kind of person who will definitely become president.
This phenomenon is called adverse selection, and it's the reason everything sucks ass.
