Puppet Master Postmortem
[TOP SECRET: Mossad agents intercepted and transcribed the following phone conversation between the rulers of China, North Korea, Russia, Saudi Arabia, and — inexplicably — Twitter.]
Xi: I’m very disappointed, Vladimir. What happened to the red tsunami you promised us? Next week I have to attend the G20 in Bali, and when I see Old Man Biden he’s going to laugh in my face and tell me U.S. democracy is “resilient.”
Then he’ll have the gall to suggest our economic and political systems are bound to fail, even though they’re far superior because I’m singlehandedly in charge and I’m the greatest Chinese Emperor since the Han Dynasty.
Then, to add insult to injury, he’ll call me Winnie the Pooh — again! — and, to avert global thermonuclear annihilation, I’ll have to grin and bear it.
Do you know how much I hate being called Winnie the Pooh, Vladimir? Do you know how many “dissidents” are permanently vacationing in detention camps for calling me Winnie the Pooh? Do you?!
Putin: Patience, my old friend. Things are going exactly as planned.
Xi: Oh, you mean like in Ukraine?
MBS: Bro…
Xi: Apologies my dear Vladimir. These are stressful, trying times. I’m certain your glorious, indomitable, and indefatigable Russian Empire will expel the Nazis from your lands once again and claim absolute and total victory — with our backing.
Kim: Hey guys, I can fire another ballistic missile over Tokyo. Will that help?
MBS: Uncle Vlad, Uncle Xi’s critique is tough, but fair. For real though, what happened with these midterms, yo?
Putin: Scheiβe. These stupid evangelical fundamentalists and their idiotic obsession with banning abortion screwed everything up. I’ve tried to explain it to my Useful Idiot countless times: abortion is good for America.
Because the white population is richer and has better access to their greedy, capitalistic healthcare system, they’re less likely to have kids and more likely to get abortions, which reduces their fertility rate, which shrinks their population over time, which makes them the minority group in their “own” country, which stokes racial and economic anxiety, which leads to internal civil strife and domestic terrorism, which keeps the military and intelligence agencies distracted, which means we can continue doing war crimes abroad without anyone interfering.
Doing war crimes abroad is good for us, and I’ve told Cheeto Mussolini repeatedly what’s good for us is good for America.
You’d think that was straightforward, but his brain is like a tub of cream cheese that’s been baking in the Mar-a-Lago sun for weeks. So, instead of following directions, he packed the Supreme Court with rightwing nutjobs, who then overturned Roe — even though they said they wouldn’t — which fired up the radical leftists, who saved their pitiful little democracy. For now.
MBS: Marxist cucks. No offense, Uncles.
Xi: Don’t you think the poor quality of your candidates also played a part, Vladimir? Your hapless subordinate handpicked these imbeciles—
Kim: Dotards.
Xi: —and they were less inspiring than my last bout of syphilis.
MBS: Word. Once Dr. Oz got all horny for crudités I was like, “Yo, this dude’s got no chance in Pennsyltucky, Bro.”
Kim: You guys want me to shoot a ballistic missile at Pennslytucky?
MBS: And don’t even get me started on Herschel Walker, Bro.
Xi: Indeed. Vladimir, were you unaware of just how many abortions Mr. Walker tried to cover up?
Putin: Slight diligence oversight. The offending researchers have been liquidated.
MBS: Sick, Unc.
Putin: Though I must admit, our slate of candidates was — unfortunate.
Xi: What’s to be done about this unexpected turn of events, Vladimir? It’d be a real setback for your “Special Military Operation” if the good people of China stopped importing Russian oil and gas.
Putin: No need for histrionics, Dear Emperor Xi.
We will use this electoral upset to our advantage. Soon, the Americans will be lulled into complacency. Their media — which I control — will claim their domestic politics have reached a new nadir. Pliable op-ed columnists like Bret Stephens and Conor Friedersdorf will argue that maybe, just maybe, snatching perceived defeat from the jaws of overwhelming victory will finally force GOP candidates to moderate their extremist views.
These takes will obviously be erroneous and ill-conceived. But they will instill a false sense of security in significant portions of the electorate. Then, come next election cycle, we’ll unveil our most devastating candidate lineup yet:
- Kurt Warner in Arizona
- Matthew Stafford in Georgia
- Kirk Cousins in Michigan
- John Gruden in Nevada
- Ben Roethlisberger in Pennsylvania
Kim: More sportsball guys! I love sportsball guys! Our official records say I shot a three-hundred-meter touchdown pass to Dennis Rodman at the World Cup. The spiral was as perfect as a ballistic missile headed for Seoul.
Putin: Americans revere “football” culture, which is a breeding ground for vapid, dunce cap-wearing meatheads. Installing these useful idiots as Senators in key swing states will paralyze their government, granting us permanent control over their domestic and foreign policy agendas.
Xi: Interesting. But my immediate concern is this: these so-called “meatheads” will undoubtedly be warmongers and militant foreign policy hawks. As Senators, they’ll complicate my plans to invade and annex “the island which shall not be named.”
Putin: Fear not, my dear Xi. Nothing says kompromat like sex-crazed, brain-damaged—
Unknown participant: Hey Guys, it’s Elon! Sorry to barge into your little conspiracy, but did you guys know I’m the richest and smartest man on the planet and can solve any problem? That includes undermining democracy. Take a look at what I’ve done with Twitter in just a few short days!
Xi: Who—
Musk: Free speech is back, baby! I know you guys aren’t big fans, but we pretend to worship it here in the States for craven political purposes, which I’m sure you gents can appreciate.
Plus, did you guys know you can now get verified with a blue checkmark for only eight bucks per month? Pretty sick deal, huh? Who’s in?
Putin: How did you get access to this line?
Musk: I’m the world’s smartest and richest man and everyone loves me. I can do anything!
MBS: Actually, I can seize all the assets of the great nation of Saudi Arabia at any time, which makes me the world’s richest man.
Putin: Actually, I can seize all the assets of Mother Russia at any time, which makes me the world’s richest man.
Xi: Actually, I can seize all the assets of the People’s Republic of China at any time, which makes me the world’s richest man.
Kim: My subjects don’t have any assets, but I can shoot ballistic missiles!
Musk: That’s nice. But does everyone in the world love you guys? Because everyone in the world loves me! My tweets get billions of likes!
Putin: Comrade Musk, I strongly suggest you disconnect immediately. I’d hate for you to find yourself the victim of an unfortunate accident.
Musk: Is that a threat? Because you can totally make threats on Twitter now. You can lob racial epithets too! Because we love free speech! Except if you impersonate me using the new verification system, of course.
MBS: Uncle Vlad, what do you think? Poison or power saws?
Musk: An official death threat from a head of state?! Dope! The only people who get death threats are beloved and idolized and super popular and really famous!
And remember, only eight bucks per month to get your blue checkmark. See you guys on the coolest website on earth! Ciao!
MBS: Bro, did that really just happen?
Putin: I can’t believe anyone’s that desperate, insecure, and thirsty.
Xi: What an absolute tool.
MBS: Guy really gives despots a bad name, Bro.
Kim: Can I shoot a ballistic missile at Twitter?
Multiple respondents: YES!
