Query: Brown Man’s Burden
Traditional publishing’s last hope
I recently began “querying” my novel LEVERAGE to bloodsucking literary agents. As you might imagine, the preposterous and frustrating process has thrust me into a darker than usual place. What follows is the manifestation of my psychosis.
From: ally.dan@gmail.com
To: bianca.blonde@whitechicklit.com
Subject: QUERY: BROWN MAN’S BURDEN by Dan K.; ATTN: Bianca Blonde
Dear Bianca,
Game of Thrones meets Lucha Underground in my urban fantasy BROWN MAN’S BURDEN [88,410 WORDS]. Set in Nueva Jersey during the late twenty-first century, this fast-paced and action-packed thriller explores complex themes such as familial trauma, reverse colonialism, institutional power vs. individual bootstraps, and racial and sexual identity. Based on your Publisher’s Marketplace profile and #MSWL, I believe this project could be a perfect fit for representation.
Peep the plot summary:
Adam Patel-Marquez-Chang-Jackson would rather be a typical college kid with typical college problems: writing term papers, surviving chem lab, and trying to lose his virginity at the hot new eating club. But the quarter South Asian, quarter Black, quarter Latinx, and quarter East Asian (#ownvoices, #BIPOC) freshman at Princeton, who’s also Bisexual and self-identifies as Queer (#LGBTQ), doesn’t have time for such luxuries.
As the reluctant heir to the Council of Melanin, the coalition of formerly colonized and enslaved peoples that governs earth with a bronze fist, Adam’s tasked with preserving his increasingly fractious alliance. Brazil’s mad at China over Belts & Roads II. New India and Old Pakistan are still salty about 1947. And the Israeli-Arab-African Union has threatened to embargo Salmanium exports, the wonder metal responsible for decarbonizing the atmosphere and revolutionizing transportation.
These social and geopolitical pressures exact a heavy toll on Adam. But when a sexy Caucasoid ninja pays him a clandestine visit, and tells him his parents didn’t die during the Third Water War, his entire world’s upended. Adam actually descends from a dynastic lineage of Icelandic monarchs, and was secretly bred in captivity to consolidate power for a mysterious organization called The Silk Glove Society (#plottwist!).
After grappling with his gut-wrenching origin, and accepting his newfound love of mayonnaise, lacrosse, and twentieth century Duke basketball, Adam decides to shatter his Machiavellian shackles with the tool favored by all great men: testosterone-soaked violence.
To adjudicate the Council’s intractable politics, Adam organizes a Kumite-inspired martial arts tournament, where might makes right. Meanwhile, in the shadows, he and his crew of voluptuous ninja assassins embark upon a quixotic quest to uncover the truth. Who created him? Who controls The Silk Glove Society? And most confounding of all: If Adam’s Brown, Black, and Yellow on the outside, but White on the inside, who is he?
I dual-majored in African American and East Asian Studies and completed a two-year Princeton in Asia fellowship in Sri Lanka, where I practiced radical empathy. BROWN MAN’S BURDEN is my debut novel.
Best,
Dan K.
SIXTEEN WEEKS LATER
From: noreply@whitechicklit.com
To: ally.dan@gmail.com
Subject: Re: QUERY: BROWN MAN’S BURDEN by Dan K.; ATTN: Bianca Blonde
This is an automated response. DO NOT reply to this message.
Thank you so much for the opportunity to consider your work. Regrettably, we’re not able to champion your project with the care and consideration it deserves.
Best of luck on your publishing journey.
Kind regards,
White Chick Literary Agency
EIGHTEEN MINUTES LATER
From: ally.dan@gmail.com
To: bianca.blonde@whitechicklit.com
Subject: Fw: Re: QUERY: BROWN MAN’S BURDEN by Dan K.; ATTN: Bianca Blonde
Bianca,
I’m bitterly disappointed by your failure to recognize literary genius.
It’s clear you became an agent because you don’t have the talent to write yourself. Seriously, who willingly becomes a middleperson for a dying industry? At least investment bankers and real-estate agents get paid.
BROWN MAN’S BURDEN was your last chance to make F.U. money before traditional publishing goes belly up.
Think I’m kidding?
Yesterday I heard Uncle Henry talking to some investors about the Simon & Schuster deal. He said they plan to “extract” the “trapped value” in the business by “rightsizing the labor force,” “streamlining the portfolio,” and “optimizing the capital structure.” He also said the future of publishing will rely heavily on “AI-trained content models,” which will “revolutionize on-demand storytelling” and “dramatically curtail costs.”
You think an AI program needs a literary agent?
By the way, I didn’t provide a full bio in my query letter because I wanted my work to stand on its own. But you and the rest of the “woke-ocracy” refuse to recognize my potential because I’m a straight, White, cisgender male.
I strongly suggest you reconsider this decision. The future of literature is in your hands.
Dan Kravis
P.S. Yes, that Kravis. As in Kohlberg Kravis Roberts.
SEVEN WEEKS LATER
From: ally.dan@gmail.com
To: bianca.blonde@whitechicklit.com
Subject: Re: Fw: Re: QUERY: BROWN MAN’S BURDEN by Dan K.; ATTN: Bianca Blonde
Just circling back to let you know I joined Uncle Henry at KKR.
Enjoy the bread lines.
Query Update
I just received my final blurb — thank you to all my beta readers and blurb providers! — and I’m now ready to carpet-bomb the literary agent landscape with my kickass query letter.
Despite the lunacy above, I’m as confident as any sane person can be while querying a novel. I know — based on beta reader feedback — I’ve got a great product, and a strong sales pitch. I don’t have to doubt myself or my work. I just have to find the right business partner, who will see the value of my novel and champion it. And take their 15.0% cut.
So far I’ve lobbed six queries into the ether, including two which were directly endorsed by authors repped by the agent. Massive thanks to Martin and Andrew!
For the uninitiated, querying (and publishing writ large) is a notoriously sluggish industry, so I’ve only heard back from one agent. In a devastating and shocking twist, the woman who reps Colson Whitehead and Junot Díaz told me to go fuck myself.