St. Valentine's Devolution
Lust by the ages
Age 3
I made a pwetty card for my friends! I wuv my friends!
Age 7
Sick! My mom got me Transformers cards for Palentine's Day. Eddie and Jason are gonna love these!
Age 11
Girls are gross—but also they make my thingy tingle. I feel weird and confused.
Age 15
I got Stacey a gift card to Sephora, Bro. Twenty-five bucks! I know, right! She better let me touch her titties.
Age 18
Cindy's such a skank, Bro! I took her to TGI Fridays like three fucking times and the bitch still won't put out. Fuck it, Bro, I'm a man now. I'm buying an AR-15.
Age 21
Bro, I was so fucking wasted last night I have no idea where my dick was. I hope inside a chick...
Age 26
Stacey wants commitment and Cindy's still a cocktease. Ha! Neither of those hoes knows that Rhapsody's the only girl I really love. Another lap dance? Of course, Boo. Of course.
Age 32
I'm getting married tomorrow, Boo. Yep, to Cindy. She made me wait a hella long time, but she's totally worth it. The bitch gives crazy good head. But I bet you're better. Say Boo, my boys fronted me a thousand bucks for my bachelor party—what can I get with that?
Age 37
Three fucking kids in four years and Cindy's still pissed at me for giving her chlamydia. I know, Boo! I'm working two fucking dead-end jobs and selling smack on the side and still I get no fucking respect. No fucking respect. It's impossible to be a man in America nowadays.
Age 42
Cindy's a fat fucking cunt, my kids are miserable fucking ingrates, a computer took my fucking jobs, everything's too fucking expensive, and the fucking Jews flooded my country with immigrant scum.
Fuck.
Fuck!
FUCK!
Age 46
I guess this spot will do. Yeah, nice and quiet.
Huh—metal tastes pretty awful. Well, it's only for a few seconds.
Any parting thoughts?
Nah. Just a fuckton of regrets.
But too little, too late, ya know?
Alright, enough stalling.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
