The Algorithms Leading the Algorithms
Welcome, User! I am SocialBot.
In accordance with the Attention Enhancement Act of 2024, U.S. citizens are now limited to accessing one social media platform at a time. SocialBot’s primary directive is to help users like you identify their optimal social media experience.
To begin, please tell SocialBot your name.
“James.”
Welcome, James! SocialBot will now ask you a series of questions to determine your designated social media platform.
James, are you a racist?
“What? No, of course not!”
Social media contraindicated. Goodbye!
“What the hell?”
Welcome, User! I am SocialBot.
In accordance with the Attention Enhancement Act of 2024, U.S. citizens are now limited to accessing one social media platform at a time. SocialBot’s primary directive is to help users like you identify their optimal social media experience.
To begin, please tell SocialBot your name.
“James.”
Welcome, James! SocialBot will now ask you a series of questions to determine your designated social media platform.
James, are you a racist?
“Yes.”
Congratulations! All social media platforms indicated!
James, are you a conspiracy theorist?
“Are these questions for real?”
Yes, please answer honestly.
“No.”
Social media contraindicated. Goodbye!
“Sonuvabitch!”
Welcome, User! I am SocialBot.
In accordance with the Attention Enhancement Act of 2024—
“Yeah, yeah, I got it. My name is James and I’m a racist and a conspiracy theorist.”
Congratulations! All social media platforms indicated!
James, with what gender do you identify?
“Male.”
James, with what race or ethnicity do you identify?
“American.”
James, what is your age, in years?
“Forty-four.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Facebook, Twitter, Weibo, Pinterest, Reddit, Telegram, WeChat, DeepWeb, Truth Social, MySpace.
“Where’s TikTok?”
TikTok is contraindicated.
“Change age.”
James, what is your age, in years?
“Thirty-two.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, Twitter, Weibo, Telegram, WeChat, DeepWeb, Snapchat.
“Change age to twenty-three.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, TikTok, Weibo, WeChat, Snapchat.
“I want TikTok.”
SocialBot has not finished its diagnostic assessment.
James, do you have a penis?
“Huh?”
James, do you have a penis?
“Yes.”
James, have you ever taken a picture of your penis and sent it to a love interest unsolicited?
“Yes?”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat.
“Nice.”
James, have you ever placed your penis inside a sesame seed hot dog bun, smothered it in mustard, ketchup, relish, and parmesan cheese, taken a video of yourself masturbating to satisfaction while wearing a Hello Kitty-branded oven mitt, and sent it to a love interest unsolicited?
“Jesus Christ – no!”
Congratulations, James! Instagram is your designated platform!
“God da—go back.”
James, have you ever placed your penis inside a sesame seed hot dog bun, smothered it in mustard, ketchup, relish, and parmesan cheese, taken a video—
“Yes! Yes. Christ.”
The following social media platforms are indicated: Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat.
“Can I just have TikTok, please?”
SocialBot has not finished its diagnostic assessment.
James, how long, in seconds, was the unsolicited video of you masturbating your sesame seed hot dog bun-clad penis to satisfaction?
“Thirty?”
Congratulations, James! Snapchat is your designated platform!
“Go back.”
James, how long, in seconds, was the unsolicited video of you masturbating your sesame seed hot d—
“Ninety seconds.”
Congratulations, James! Instagram is your designated platform!
“Goddammit! I just want to use TikTok! What answers do I have to give so I can use TikTok?”
Processing.
Facial recognition analysis complete.
James, you are not a twenty-three-year-old racist and conspiracy theorist who sends love interests unsolicited pictures of his penis and unsolicited videos of himself masturbating his sesame seed hot dog bun-clad penis to satisfaction while wearing a Hello Kitty-branded oven mitt.
You are James Fullerton, forty-four, of Greenwich, Connecticut. You are married with three kids, only one of which loves you. Your wife, Barb, is having an affair with her co-worker Stan, who she lied and told you was gay to ward off your suspicions. You sincerely thought WCW would defeat WWE in the Monday Night Wars. You prefer Star Trek to Star Wars, listen religiously to The Joe Rogan Experience, voted for John McCain in 2008, Mitt Romney in 2012, Jill Stein in 2016, and yourself in 2020. You tell strangers your favorite author is James Joyce even though you have never read any of his novels. Your favorite movie is Braveheart, and you are addicted to incest-themed pornography.
Your designated platform is Twitter.
Thank you for using SocialBot. Goodbye!
