The Economic Upsides of Unmitigated Climate Change
Alleviation of low-skilled worker shortages: As enormous swaths of land in the Global South become uninhabitable, a mass migration of climate-impacted refugees will flood into established Western Democracies, filling labor shortages created by aging populations and exploitative wages.
Enhanced fuel supply: The atmosphere will soon be so saturated with greenhouse gases, hydrocarbons will literally rain from the sky, thereby increasing the supply of combustible liquids for households, easing pain at the gas pump, and reducing the American economy’s reliance on the capricious OPEC+ cartel.
Newly arable acreage: Increasing global temperatures will make previously unfarmable regions ripe for agricultural exploitation, permitting for the unparalleled production of poppy seeds to support American consumers’ insatiable demand for heroin and other black-market narcotics.
Improved shipping efficiency: Eradication of the polar ice caps will establish novel transit routes for cargo ships, dramatically reducing global distribution costs and significantly lowering prices on Amazon.com.
Elevated property values: Rapidly rising sea levels will produce new American beachfronts, which will create high-profile tourist hotspots, which will lead to a real-estate development boom, which will cause property values to skyrocket in the affected locations, which will encourage entrepreneurs to launch a bevy of new businesses, which will stimulate local economic growth and encourage Wall Street to create exotic financial derivatives.
Wasteful government spending eliminated: The mass extinction of most of the world’s animal and plant species will render government-funded research in those areas obsolete, thus allowing for earmarked funds to be redistributed to more economically fruitful activities, such as regulatory rollbacks and corporate tax cuts.
Florida submerged: The peninsula formerly known as The Sunshine State will no longer exist, jettisoning an epicenter of graft, fraud, and general depravity, which will trigger a significant spike in consumer confidence.
Stronger capital returns: The combined effects of unmitigated climate change will drastically curtail global life expectancy — by increasing mortality rates for children and the elderly — and subsequently reduce under- and unfunded pension liabilities, extraneous healthcare expenditures, and exorbitant childcare costs, which will in turn deliver higher returns on invested capital and produce, at minimum, a “demographic dividend,” or, in the best-case scenario, an “economic miracle.”
