The Lit Bro Chronicles

Lit Bro's a self-styled critical thinker who does his own research, despises authority, loves authoritarians, shouts the things we all know are true but are too scared to say out loud, and believes Western Civilization peaked in the 1830s.

Just remember, we kid because we love.

LIT BRO READS

JAMES by Percival Everett

I’m supposed to believe a slave named Jim is actually a deeply thoughtful and introspective man — with agency — who prefers to be called James, speaks grammatically correct English, and is capable of philosophizing with Locke and Voltaire?

Fuck outta here, Bro. This is why nobody buys books anymore.

FLORIDA by Lauren Groff

Bro, if the progressive man-haters and radical feminists in this book would’ve become Trad Wives — instead of French Lit professors or whatever — all of their pathetic, first-world problems could’ve been avoided.

Let that be a lesson, bit–ladies.

FIELD RESEARCH by Amran Gowani

This piece of shit newsletter wouldn’t exist in a nation with strong border control and proper anti-miscegenation laws.

Think about it. First some goatfucker illegally immigrates from his shithole country and desecrates a perfectly pristine White girl. Then, the raghead abandons his unholy offspring and, somehow, it gets two master’s degrees, a job on Wall Street, and a book deal from a Soros-backed publishing house.

Build the fucking wall, Bro.

THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Bro, did you know Jay Gatsby was Jeffrey Epstein’s paternal grandfather and Nick Carraway is Joe Biden’s uncle?

Coincidence? I think not, Bro.

VICTIM by Andrew Boryga

Some Mexican from Puerto Rico pimps the sob story game, realizes he ain’t hard, and finds out the game pimps back.

Bro, next time, why don’t you try pimping your bootstraps?

YELLOWFACE by R. F. Kuang

So let me get this straight: a real Asian chick writes a novel where she pretends to be a fake White chick, then — in the novel — the White chick steals a manuscript from a dead Asian chick, but then pretends to be a different Asian chick, even though she’s still a fictional White chick written by an actual Asian chick.

Bro, that’s like M.C. Escher-level reverse racism.

CHAIN GANG ALL-STARS by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah

In the not-too-distant future there’s a reality show where prisoners are forced to fight to the death on national television.

Bro, it’s about goddamned time Bravo developed some good programming.

SITUATION NORMAL by Michael Estrin

I see right through this groomer’s nice-guy facade, Bro.

He paints himself as some happy-go-lucky stoner/slacker, but look closer and you’ll see this globalist sicko practices satanism and peddles pornography.

There’s literally a section of his blog called “Doing Crimes,” Bro!

SPOILERS by Carlos Greaves

The meritocracy’s dead, Bro. Don’t believe me? Consider the career trajectory of this day laborer.

First, he DEIs his way into M.I.T., but then decides he’s too lazy to use his engineering degree and declares himself a comedian.

Next, he DEIs his way into The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, The Onion, NPR, and The Second City, but then decides he’s too lazy to write short-form humor pieces and declares himself an author.

Then, this fucking charity case DEI-publishes a book full of fancy movie metaphors, which are actually DEI-mind tricks meant to indoctrinate real men with woke nonsense like empathy.

What will the libs think of next, Bro? A DEI President?

EVERYTHING ABRIDGED by Dennard Dayle

Bro, this “satirical” story collection is the most unbelievable shit I’ve ever read.

We’ve got Black people with white-collar jobs. We’ve got Black people in space. And, craziest of all, we’ve got Black people who read.

Bro, everything I know about the Blacks comes from New Jack City, Birth of a Nation, and Uncle Clarence, and let me tell you, what this super-predator calls satire is pure fantasy.

LIT BRO PLAYS

HADES on Nintendo Switch

Fantastic combat system, excellent voice acting, killer soundtrack, and incredible replay value.

Most importantly, Bro, all the Olympian and Chthonic Gods are Aryans.

INSTAGRAM by Meta

IG is the absolute best place on the internet to eye-bone prepubescent girls, Bro.

Seven statutory erections out of five.

THREADS by Meta

Threads is the absolute best place on the internet for sad, thirsty authors who are desperate for attention to try — and fail — to build their platform, Bro.

LIT BRO WATCHES

WILDCAT starring Maya Hawke and directed by Ethan Hawke

They say a good movie’s hard to find.

Well Bro, this avant-garde snoozefest ain’t exactly Starship Troopers.

BOJACK HORSEMAN, SEASON ONE starring Will Arnett and created by Raphael Bob-Waksberg

Horseboy pounds drugs, lays pipe, and doesn’t even have to write his own best-selling memoir. Sounds dope, right Bro?

Wrong.

See, Horsecuck is sad, which means he can’t stop moping around, self-sabotaging, and alienating his friends and family.

What are you talking about, Bro?

Obviously I have nothing in common with this future gluestick. Sure, my parents were abusive, and I got bullied in middle school, and I feel insecure around women, and struggle with intimacy, and have difficulty expressing my feelings, and — fine — I guess I do suffer from impulse control issues. Sometimes I cry at night, too. Every night, actually.

But the comparisons stop there, Bro!

I’m not some fucking beta-horse.

JOHN WICK starring Keanu Reeves and directed by Chad Stahelski

Seriously Bro, you don’t fuck with a man’s dog. Especially an adorable puppy gifted to a grieving husband by his recently deceased wife.

Certain things transcend the culture war, Bro.

Ask Kristi Noem.

THE SOPRANOS, SEASON ONE starring James Gandolfini and directed by David Chase

This fat fucking goombah, who’s part of a once proud institution in irreversible decline, realizes the American Dream is bullshit, gets hella depressed, and sees his personal life crumble.

Bro, as a metaphor for this country, the shit’s a little on the nose.