Watch Your Language
INT. OFFICE — MORNING
“Shoot.”
“You’re telling me — we’re really under the gun here.”
“That’s what I said! There’s no need to shoot the messenger.”
“Powder keg? More like a minefield.”
“Everyone’s sweating bullets. But I’m the one staring down the barrel of a gun.”
“I already went postal but the situation’s still FUBAR.”
“Sounds like I’ll have to go nuclear then.”
“Roger that. Time to bite the bullet.”
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM — AFTERNOON
“What happened?! They goddamned ambushed us is what goddamned happened! Came in guns-goddamned-blazing and aimed for the goddamned head.”
“Ya think? We were sitting ducks. Like shooting fish in a barrel.”
“Circular-fucking-firing squad if you ask me.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you bring a knife to a gunfight.”
“Problem is: my neck’s still in the noose.”
“Good thing close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING
“Bro, it was like one of those old Wild West shootouts!”
“Totally — but this time I arrived locked and loaded.”
“Damn straight. Shoot first, ask questions later.”
“Well, if I’ve learned anything in life, you gotta set your sights on your target, aim true, and pull the goddamned trigger.”
“Hahaha! You wanna know what’s really best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.”
“Shots?”
INT. BAR — EVENING
“You should’ve seen it — total bloodbath. I came, I conquered, and I left my enemies utterly decimated.”
“Listen, Doll, I’m a straight shooter.”
“But I also like to shoot from the hip.”
“I’m not opposed to a shotgun wedding. But maybe I should ride shotgun back to your place first…”
“Yeah, shot down again. But, to be honest, I probably dodged a bullet.”
“She dodged the bullet? Oh, right. Very funny.”
“Doesn’t matter. We’re in a target rich environment. And you only miss the shots you don’t take, amirite?”
Some Thoughts on This Piece
That we humans use violent idioms and violent language to describe our daily lives isn’t a new insight. And surely many short stories have been written which rely on this repetitive use of colloquial language.
Nonetheless, this concept has been bouncing around inside my diseased brain for about a year, and two factors finally encouraged me to “pull the trigger.” First, today is National Gun Violence Awareness Day — an utterly grotesque “holiday” that wouldn’t exist if America was a civilized country. And second, since I’m supporting Sandy Hook Promise, and since this country’s gun violence epidemic shows little signs of abating, the timing felt sadly appropriate.
In terms of craft, the inspiration for this format comes from my main man The GZA, my favorite MC and co-founder of the Wu Tang Clan. In select songs he famously chooses a theme or topic and then crafts his rhymes using language related to said theme or topic.
For example, in “Labels,” he uses the names of music industry labels to connect his lyrics. He does likewise with celebrity names in “Fame,” NFL team mascots and football terminology in “Queen’s Gambit,” and animal metaphors in “Animal Planet.”
Dad tip: play this track for your kids. There’s no profanity and they’ll love the animal references.
The biggest challenge with crafting this piece was arranging the language so it created a plausible, somewhat logical narrative. Here, I imagined an executive negotiating a deal (e.g., corporate merger or acquisition) and using violent idioms and metaphors to describe otherwise mundane, innocuous tasks (e.g., haggling over contract terms, securing financing). I left the specifics open to interpretation because, in my experience, this language transcends industries (e.g., retail, sports, pharma, banking, journalism).
Finally, to be clear, I’m not advocating against this type of language, or trying to “cancel” free speech, Bro. Humans are monkeys, monkeys are tribal, and tribes do war. That’s not going to change anytime soon.
But I do think it’s worth considering how we speak and, where appropriate, becoming more intentional with the words we choose. I’ve largely excised gun-related idioms and metaphors from my everyday vocabulary, and to some degree from my weekly humor and satire writing as well. Of course, if a piece calls for such language, and it’s within the creative context, I never feel compelled to self-censor. On the other hand, using the language of murder and mayhem to describe doing chores or dealing with my kids seems like overkill.
