Kindergarten Culture Day: What Makes Your Family Special?

“Alright everyone, gather round for a very special morning meeting. Today is Kindergarten Culture Day!”

“Yay!”

“Culture Day is one of the most exciting events of the year, because we get to learn soooo much about all our friends and their uh-maize-zing families. I’m so excited! Who wants to volunteer to go first?”

“I do!”

“Excellent, James! Come on up. Wow, that’s quite a poster you’ve got there. Alright, Buddy – tell us about your culture, and what makes your family special?”

“My name is James Oliver Whitmore. My great-great-great-great-grandfather was a colonel in the Union army, and he helped General Sherman battle the bad white people in Atlanta. And his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather came to America on the Mayflower. My dad says we’re so lucky that our family has played such a ‘significant role’ in American history.”

“Oh my goodness James that is so incredible! What a wonderful family history! Thank you so much for sharing. Okay friends, who’s next?”

“Me!”

“Ex-cell-ent! Alright, Doris, tell us about your culture and why your family is special?”

“My great grandparents are from Taiwan. After World War Two, they moved to San Francisco to open a dim sum restaurant.”

“That’s amazing! Nothing like that immigrant work ethic — I mean, you know, it’s so great to hear how brave and ambitious they were coming here to live the American dream. Anyway. So, does that mean you’re Taiwanese too?”

“Well, I don’t think so. My grandma used to tell my mom we were Taiwanese, but then my mom found out my great grandma and great grandpa were actually born in China. My mom said my great grandpa had a very important job in the government and was so popular he was nicknamed “The Magician.” That’s because he was super-duper-DUPER good at making people disappear, especially when they were rude, or said mean things about Mister Chiang, or espoused the central tenets and theoretical benefits of communist ideology.

“But my mom said it’s better if we just say we’re from Taiwan, because my great grandpa might have made other peoples’ great grandpas and great grandmas disappear forever by accident. And we don’t want to make people sad, because making people sad on purpose is mean.”

“Okay! Well it sounds like you have a very special family indeed. Alright then, let’s move on. Okay, how about…Steve! Can you tell us about your culture and what makes you and your family special?”

“I don’t have a culture because I don’t know who my dad is.”

“Oh my. Well, um, unfortunately, lots of people don’t know their dads. And I know that must be really hard for you. But, in a way, that’s also what makes your family unique. And unique is special, right? What about your mom? What can you tell us about her?”

“She likes movies.”

“That’s so nice! What kinds of movies does she like?”

“I don’t know. She’s always going to the movies with her friends but never takes me. She has lots of boyfriends — or, I mean, friends that are boys — and they’re always going to the movies together. But I never get to go.

“Uncle Will says my mom has always liked going to the movies with boys. They used to live in San Diego together — that’s in California — and Uncle Will says my mom really liked to go to the movies with boys who had dark skin. Uncle Will says one of those boys is probably my dad. He also says that means I could be Mexican, or African American, or maybe even Indian. Or Greek.

“Uncle Will says I should ask my mom to get me a twenty-three-and-me test so I can figure out what I’m supposed to be. But my mom says it’s not important.”

“Well, mommy’s usually know best. But I want to tell you something very important, Steve. No matter what race or culture your dad is — was? — is, you’re a very special person to me. And you’re a very special person to all your friends. I really mean that. Okay?”

“Okay. But I’d rather be special and also have a dad.”

“I know, Sweetie. Thanks for sharing today. Alright, maybe something a little more upbeat next. Let’s see. Okay, Ginger! Come on down. Oh I just love that dress you’re wearing. Okay, Ginger, tell everyone about your family’s culture.”

“My name is Ginger Anabelle Morris. My great-great-great-grandma married Philip Morris, the man who invented those white gummy straws that shoot special smoke — the ones cowboys use. And my great-great-great-great-grandpa was the mayor of a big town in Mississippi where all the workers made lots of cotton.”

“Alrighty then. Well, sounds like there’s a long history of entrepreneurship in your family, huh? What do your mommy and daddy do for work now?”

“They don’t work. My daddy says he’s writing a really long story — it’s about the Ancient Lacedemonians battling Godzilla or something — but mostly he just hangs out at home watching TV. My mommy says she’s an environmental and racial justice ‘activist.’ She says that’s why she’s always using Twitter on her phone instead of playing with me.

“Mommy’s also always telling me about how she feels bad because she was born with lots of money — like that’s my fault — and that’s why she makes me go to public school. But that’s like, totally not fair. All my friends are at British or Saint Ignatius and they’re going to go to college at Harvard. Or Yale. I’m going to get stuck at, like, Vanderbilt or something, which is, like, totally lame.”

“Uh, wow. Um, okay. Well, Ginger, I’m sure you’ll go to whatever college your parents went to. Thank you for sharing. Okay, maybe we have time for one more today. Let me see. Okay, Eddie is from Columbia, so that’s not gonna happen. Nemet is from Azerbaijan. Nope. Where are you from again Wendy? Germany — oh dear.

“Okay, you know what class? This has been really illuminating and quite inspiring, but I’ve learned soooooo much about our wonderful and amazing friends that my brain is too full and needs a rest. So, to celebrate, I think we should all take a mental health break until lunch time. Whatdya think? Great. Everyone get your iPads and just — you know what? It doesn’t matter. Just keep yourselves busy until I get back. Miss M’s gonna go buy some edibles from Mister Nathan.”